You know the moment you fully expect something to be one thing and it turns out to be something else entirely? Yeah, me too... I've become intimately acquainted with that feeling over the past 3 months.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Jul 1, 2014
Feb 2, 2014
Is He Really that Good?
I wish I had more time to write... My life is so busy. If you have little children, then you well know how taking care of them alone is a full-time job, but when you are doing it alone, the extra responsibilities of working and all the little things that add up to major time-eaters, definitely keep a woman and mommy BUSY! I am currently sitting here writing with a nursing baby in my lap. She was sick all week with some kind of cough/throw up/fever thing and has been in Mama's lap every second she can. My room is a wreck... I washed clothes last Saturday, more than a week ago now, and they still sit folded in the laundry baskets, lol. I've been to the store about 3 times this weekend because my head is in so many places, that I can't get it together and remember everything I needed. And I will still have to go again this afternoon because I forgot to remember that we will have to eat this coming week too, haha... Oh the joy!
But I'm happy. I don't know if I've ever felt this much joy and peace. I'm at rest, despite the fact that my surroundings might suggest otherwise. I'm excited and full of anticipation for what is to come in our lives!
There is so much good that has gone on, true miracles that I didn't know if I would ever see that I would love to share, but it's not mine to share so publicly so soon. Later on I'll be able to post it. :)
What I can say, and it's really the only important part anyway, is God is so good. He is so good to me, so good to my husband, so good to my family. I know that he has plans for us in Mexico, and I can't wait to walk in them.
He has had me in such a place of peace and joy, just so wrapped in his love, that I feel and experience it in a way that I never have before. It's like... I always had the right answers to the tough questions, and "knew" that God was my loving father instead of an angry judge, but I lived my life and expected those around me to live by the "right" set of rules. And now I know that this was actually evidence of the fact that it was only head knowledge and symptoms of the unexperienced truth of God's character. It was rhetoric. Man, I had no idea what it meant to know God's love. And it's like... He didn't just show me, he overwhelmed me. Overwhelmed me with his presence, with his embrace. I don't know how else to explain it... Except to say, God is so good. And that is a major understatement.
He showed me his love first in an experiential way, just a comfort and rest in knowing he was taking care of me, and revealing to me how sweet and what a blessing these last 8 months have truly been. And it was enough. It was more than enough. It was glorious. Then, he started actually taking care of things. Money is tight and I was just making it before we found out we would be moving to Mexico. Add on top of that plane tickets, passports, finishing paying off our immigration attorney, vet visits, survival money for Carlos until he gets a job, and another million seemingly endless things that you don't think about think about until it's time to go, and time-eaters, like driving back and forth THREE times to the passport office because of distraction and lack of paperwork. Like having to find a way to sell or give away a house full of items that have been accumulated over the course of a lifetime, piddly things and sentimental things. But in the end, they are just things.
Anyway, so Carlos and I decided we would sell my car without fixing it, since I can't take it with me, and I've been without it for the last 8 months anyway, it just wasn't worth it to come up with the money to fix it, only to then have to turn around and sell it. Just minor issues, something that anyone remotely handy around a car could fix in a matter of an hour or so, but unfortunately, I am NOT technically minded, haha. But the thought of selling the car was so daunting! How do I do it? What do I say? How do I explain what the problem is if I don't even understand it myself? So I sat on it for a few days, and then, out of the blue, I get a phone call from my niece (the car was being stored at her house) saying that she woke up to a note on the windshield of her car. A name and phone number of someone who drove by, saw the car, and was interested in buying it! And he paid exactly what I had in mind to sell it for! God. It was just God. He took all the "work" out of that, and just blessed us. Hopefully, my car will be a blessing to the man who bought it; it sure has been one to me all these years.
Before deciding to sell the car, I had received a message from a friend that someone was going to anonymously donate money to our Mexico trip and needs! WHAT?! And it was exactly the amount I had calculated needing in order to get everything done. Look, I really hate talking about money, it just makes me really uncomfortable, always has, so I avoid it at all costs. But, WHAT?! Unfortunately, despite my aversion to the subject, it is necessary in this world. And my heavenly father knows that. He didn't make me scrape and scrounge and beg (although I have before), he just ...gave it to me... and he is so good. To be honest, I am really glad it was "anonymous" because I would have a really hard time being face-to-face with that person(s), lol, just because, well, I don't know, it's weird. God is soooooo good. He just is. And not because of his benefits, but because of his relationship.
Am I getting too mushy? I don't want to be, as I really am not too much of an emotional person, but there just isn't another way to express it than this. And it's really awesome when God makes things so apparent, when he takes all the guess work out of it. I don't "deserve" any of this. I didn't work for it, thank God, that's too much pressure, and I don't handle "expectations" too well. Now if HE wants to do all the work for me? Go right ahead, you do it, you change my heart, you make it happen in me and for me. You be my Daddy, a Daddy who cares for his daughters, his sons. More than I care for mine. Now that's a thought... A scripture comes to my mind a lot lately,
"And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!" And he will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous... You shall have a song as in the night when a holy feast is kept, and gladness of heart, as when one sets out to the sound of the flute to go to the mountain of the Lord, to the Rock of Israel."
-Isaiah 30:20-23, 29
Again, a super long post, sorry about that. Maybe if I posted more often they wouldn't be so long, but alas, life calls... and children... and responsibilities... but this post has been running through my mind for a few weeks now, and I just had to get it out.
Love you all.
But I'm happy. I don't know if I've ever felt this much joy and peace. I'm at rest, despite the fact that my surroundings might suggest otherwise. I'm excited and full of anticipation for what is to come in our lives!
There is so much good that has gone on, true miracles that I didn't know if I would ever see that I would love to share, but it's not mine to share so publicly so soon. Later on I'll be able to post it. :)
What I can say, and it's really the only important part anyway, is God is so good. He is so good to me, so good to my husband, so good to my family. I know that he has plans for us in Mexico, and I can't wait to walk in them.
He has had me in such a place of peace and joy, just so wrapped in his love, that I feel and experience it in a way that I never have before. It's like... I always had the right answers to the tough questions, and "knew" that God was my loving father instead of an angry judge, but I lived my life and expected those around me to live by the "right" set of rules. And now I know that this was actually evidence of the fact that it was only head knowledge and symptoms of the unexperienced truth of God's character. It was rhetoric. Man, I had no idea what it meant to know God's love. And it's like... He didn't just show me, he overwhelmed me. Overwhelmed me with his presence, with his embrace. I don't know how else to explain it... Except to say, God is so good. And that is a major understatement.
He showed me his love first in an experiential way, just a comfort and rest in knowing he was taking care of me, and revealing to me how sweet and what a blessing these last 8 months have truly been. And it was enough. It was more than enough. It was glorious. Then, he started actually taking care of things. Money is tight and I was just making it before we found out we would be moving to Mexico. Add on top of that plane tickets, passports, finishing paying off our immigration attorney, vet visits, survival money for Carlos until he gets a job, and another million seemingly endless things that you don't think about think about until it's time to go, and time-eaters, like driving back and forth THREE times to the passport office because of distraction and lack of paperwork. Like having to find a way to sell or give away a house full of items that have been accumulated over the course of a lifetime, piddly things and sentimental things. But in the end, they are just things.
Anyway, so Carlos and I decided we would sell my car without fixing it, since I can't take it with me, and I've been without it for the last 8 months anyway, it just wasn't worth it to come up with the money to fix it, only to then have to turn around and sell it. Just minor issues, something that anyone remotely handy around a car could fix in a matter of an hour or so, but unfortunately, I am NOT technically minded, haha. But the thought of selling the car was so daunting! How do I do it? What do I say? How do I explain what the problem is if I don't even understand it myself? So I sat on it for a few days, and then, out of the blue, I get a phone call from my niece (the car was being stored at her house) saying that she woke up to a note on the windshield of her car. A name and phone number of someone who drove by, saw the car, and was interested in buying it! And he paid exactly what I had in mind to sell it for! God. It was just God. He took all the "work" out of that, and just blessed us. Hopefully, my car will be a blessing to the man who bought it; it sure has been one to me all these years.
Before deciding to sell the car, I had received a message from a friend that someone was going to anonymously donate money to our Mexico trip and needs! WHAT?! And it was exactly the amount I had calculated needing in order to get everything done. Look, I really hate talking about money, it just makes me really uncomfortable, always has, so I avoid it at all costs. But, WHAT?! Unfortunately, despite my aversion to the subject, it is necessary in this world. And my heavenly father knows that. He didn't make me scrape and scrounge and beg (although I have before), he just ...gave it to me... and he is so good. To be honest, I am really glad it was "anonymous" because I would have a really hard time being face-to-face with that person(s), lol, just because, well, I don't know, it's weird. God is soooooo good. He just is. And not because of his benefits, but because of his relationship.
Am I getting too mushy? I don't want to be, as I really am not too much of an emotional person, but there just isn't another way to express it than this. And it's really awesome when God makes things so apparent, when he takes all the guess work out of it. I don't "deserve" any of this. I didn't work for it, thank God, that's too much pressure, and I don't handle "expectations" too well. Now if HE wants to do all the work for me? Go right ahead, you do it, you change my heart, you make it happen in me and for me. You be my Daddy, a Daddy who cares for his daughters, his sons. More than I care for mine. Now that's a thought... A scripture comes to my mind a lot lately,
"And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!" And he will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous... You shall have a song as in the night when a holy feast is kept, and gladness of heart, as when one sets out to the sound of the flute to go to the mountain of the Lord, to the Rock of Israel."
-Isaiah 30:20-23, 29
Again, a super long post, sorry about that. Maybe if I posted more often they wouldn't be so long, but alas, life calls... and children... and responsibilities... but this post has been running through my mind for a few weeks now, and I just had to get it out.
Love you all.
Dec 26, 2013
Nostalgia
Okay, so it is Christmas Day, but just barely. 2:15am, lol. I just made a Christmas post, and I didn't want to be a downer to anyone, so I left it upbeat, and decided I would write this and save it as a draft and publish it in a few days. :)
All these holidays and birthdays are really making me sad and dragging me down. It's a time to be with family and celebrate life and love and all the good things, but without Carlos here, it makes it hard. I feel like we should be doing this together. And although I trudge on through, the children should not have to suffer through a mommy who isn't good at coping and it weighs on my heart. I feel like he is missing out on all these precious moments and I have to enjoy them doubly so he can absorb those experiences from me when our family is reunited. I want to represent him to the children until he comes home, so they know he is always present, or at least wants to be more than anything in the world. But I fail. Epically. I am so terrible at being Mother AND Father. Super kudos to all you single mothers who do it everyday. Carlos and I have discussed what we would do if we ever found ourselves in the position of losing the other and having to raise the kids alone. And we both agreed that we would incorporate as much of the other person into our customs and ways of raising the children as much as possible. Thankfully, I haven't lost him, just temporarily, but I really sucked at that! Ha! I can't be Carlos to the children. I am too busy struggling to be me and too preoccupied with doing the very best that I can to make sure they don't grow up too dysfunctional due to all of my shortcomings. All I can do is pray that there was some purpose in God's plan and that they will be blessed and blessings as they become adults, that God will shield them from absorbing anything that doesn't benefit them and make them sponges to the good things he provides. Giancarlo and Carmen-Elena are so very precious to my heart. I guess being a mom teaches you how much you don't know and how incapable you are of handling life, haha, but then once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself through GC's eyes and it never fails to amaze me. Without fail it will happen when I am doubting myself or being super hard on myself for some other epic failure, and he will look at me and say, "Yes you can Mommy, I know you can! You can do anything! I trust you." And just like that, I'm reminded that the things I allow to grow and overwhelm my mind are not as big as I imagined. I take myself way too seriously most times. My dad used to always say not to take life too seriously, because no one gets out alive anyway, life's a bitch and then you die, haha... Anyway, I'm rambling now. That's normal, just so you know... :)
The point of all this? Eh... I'm just feeling nostalgic. :) It gets better! I know! Just hang in there with me. Soon this will all be a distant memory, a precipice in ours lives, a time of spiritual growth and maturity for both of us. I'm thankful for it already, because although it has been hard, this has been a time of grace. Grace has been measured to me in abundance, and Carlos has found grace, maybe for the first time ever, I don't know. I am blessed beyond measure, and I have peace about our upcoming move to Mexico. Thank you all for your continued prayers. I love you all.
Holly
All these holidays and birthdays are really making me sad and dragging me down. It's a time to be with family and celebrate life and love and all the good things, but without Carlos here, it makes it hard. I feel like we should be doing this together. And although I trudge on through, the children should not have to suffer through a mommy who isn't good at coping and it weighs on my heart. I feel like he is missing out on all these precious moments and I have to enjoy them doubly so he can absorb those experiences from me when our family is reunited. I want to represent him to the children until he comes home, so they know he is always present, or at least wants to be more than anything in the world. But I fail. Epically. I am so terrible at being Mother AND Father. Super kudos to all you single mothers who do it everyday. Carlos and I have discussed what we would do if we ever found ourselves in the position of losing the other and having to raise the kids alone. And we both agreed that we would incorporate as much of the other person into our customs and ways of raising the children as much as possible. Thankfully, I haven't lost him, just temporarily, but I really sucked at that! Ha! I can't be Carlos to the children. I am too busy struggling to be me and too preoccupied with doing the very best that I can to make sure they don't grow up too dysfunctional due to all of my shortcomings. All I can do is pray that there was some purpose in God's plan and that they will be blessed and blessings as they become adults, that God will shield them from absorbing anything that doesn't benefit them and make them sponges to the good things he provides. Giancarlo and Carmen-Elena are so very precious to my heart. I guess being a mom teaches you how much you don't know and how incapable you are of handling life, haha, but then once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself through GC's eyes and it never fails to amaze me. Without fail it will happen when I am doubting myself or being super hard on myself for some other epic failure, and he will look at me and say, "Yes you can Mommy, I know you can! You can do anything! I trust you." And just like that, I'm reminded that the things I allow to grow and overwhelm my mind are not as big as I imagined. I take myself way too seriously most times. My dad used to always say not to take life too seriously, because no one gets out alive anyway, life's a bitch and then you die, haha... Anyway, I'm rambling now. That's normal, just so you know... :)
The point of all this? Eh... I'm just feeling nostalgic. :) It gets better! I know! Just hang in there with me. Soon this will all be a distant memory, a precipice in ours lives, a time of spiritual growth and maturity for both of us. I'm thankful for it already, because although it has been hard, this has been a time of grace. Grace has been measured to me in abundance, and Carlos has found grace, maybe for the first time ever, I don't know. I am blessed beyond measure, and I have peace about our upcoming move to Mexico. Thank you all for your continued prayers. I love you all.
Holly
Dec 21, 2013
And Life Goes On
It seems like it always takes me a little while to process new information before I can accept that it is a reality...
These last seven months have really dragged. I've felt like my life has been suspended in mid-air, no moving forward or backward, just frozen in time, full of anticipation, fear, dread, hope, and even some excitement at times, of what lies in store for us. I've wanted to prepare to move my family to Mexico, so that I would be ready at the drop of a hat, but I never could bring myself to actually do anything about it, because I still clung, and wanted to cling, to the hope of staying stateside.
It's not that I dislike Mexico, by any means; I just wanted to have a choice, a say in the matter,some semblance of control over my own future. But maturity and experience have taught me that it was a choice I made when I said "I do," and I'm okay with that. The thought of living in Mexico is a bit daunting, though, because I am not Mexican, I have never lived anywhere else than right here, in this same 25 mile radius, my whole 27 years of life. There are so many variables and unknowns that I can't find the solution in my head (oh, that's my inner math geek showing, don't mind her...).
These last seven months have really dragged. I've felt like my life has been suspended in mid-air, no moving forward or backward, just frozen in time, full of anticipation, fear, dread, hope, and even some excitement at times, of what lies in store for us. I've wanted to prepare to move my family to Mexico, so that I would be ready at the drop of a hat, but I never could bring myself to actually do anything about it, because I still clung, and wanted to cling, to the hope of staying stateside.
It's not that I dislike Mexico, by any means; I just wanted to have a choice, a say in the matter,some semblance of control over my own future. But maturity and experience have taught me that it was a choice I made when I said "I do," and I'm okay with that. The thought of living in Mexico is a bit daunting, though, because I am not Mexican, I have never lived anywhere else than right here, in this same 25 mile radius, my whole 27 years of life. There are so many variables and unknowns that I can't find the solution in my head (oh, that's my inner math geek showing, don't mind her...).
Dec 13, 2013
Confessions
It has been several months since my last post, but I have been thinking about jumping back on here and posting again. I have had some time to acclimate myself to the situation I am in, and I have become numb to the pain I felt when I wrote my last post.
I went back and re-read it, and I had almost forgotten the sharpness of the pain I felt at that point, the way I sat in front of the computer in tears as I put my heart to paper. But now... It's different... I'm okay... I have peace... It's not any easier, because Carlos still isn't here. But he isn't gone either. And I'm not alone, although some days I still feel that way. Life keeps going and moving, and stops for no man. I have learned that through experience, first when my father passed away in 2007, and now when my husband has been taken from me for a period of time. It just takes awhile to remember that you do indeed know how to breathe, that you are capable of putting one foot in front of the other, and living life has become so second nature, that you will continue to move and grow, even if only reluctantly...
When I started this blog, or started writing semi-regularly anyway, I was so high on life, with a new baby, new mother of two, learning the joys of having a boy and a girl, a big kid and a baby, watching my husband ogle over our new daughter, busy making Christmas presents for the WHOLE family... and my posts reflected that. I won't say that I wasn't real, but I will admit I was shallow in my blogging. I want to be more transparent, especially because that is something that is so hard for me to do, but something I crave with all my heart, something I long to feel: openness.
And that's what I'm going to try to do. Be open and honest about me and my life, and maybe you can relate, maybe you care, maybe not. But this is my blog and that's my prerogative, haha... To my family and friends: thanks for being there for me. I love you all so much more than you know.
Holly
I went back and re-read it, and I had almost forgotten the sharpness of the pain I felt at that point, the way I sat in front of the computer in tears as I put my heart to paper. But now... It's different... I'm okay... I have peace... It's not any easier, because Carlos still isn't here. But he isn't gone either. And I'm not alone, although some days I still feel that way. Life keeps going and moving, and stops for no man. I have learned that through experience, first when my father passed away in 2007, and now when my husband has been taken from me for a period of time. It just takes awhile to remember that you do indeed know how to breathe, that you are capable of putting one foot in front of the other, and living life has become so second nature, that you will continue to move and grow, even if only reluctantly...
When I started this blog, or started writing semi-regularly anyway, I was so high on life, with a new baby, new mother of two, learning the joys of having a boy and a girl, a big kid and a baby, watching my husband ogle over our new daughter, busy making Christmas presents for the WHOLE family... and my posts reflected that. I won't say that I wasn't real, but I will admit I was shallow in my blogging. I want to be more transparent, especially because that is something that is so hard for me to do, but something I crave with all my heart, something I long to feel: openness.
And that's what I'm going to try to do. Be open and honest about me and my life, and maybe you can relate, maybe you care, maybe not. But this is my blog and that's my prerogative, haha... To my family and friends: thanks for being there for me. I love you all so much more than you know.
Holly
Jul 26, 2013
Up in Smoke...
I know I haven't posted anything in awhile... My life started to derail, and I have been out of motivation for, well, anything, for several months. I guess I could go back and catch you all up on what's been going on, but I don't have the patience or energy for that much thought at this point. So... I can start from today. And that will have to be enough until I can gather myself together enough to put words to paper.
Just when I thought our immigration journey (nightmare, really) was coming to a close, there it goes, up in smoke. More dreams shattered. Like broken glass, laying on the floor. And all I can do is stand and stare at it, willing it to gather itself together and magically be whole again. But the longer I stand and stare, the more frustrated and distraught I become. I can't bring myself to sweep it up and throw it away because I wanted it so badly, and even though it's broken and useless, I just leave it there on the floor and try to step around it because I know stepping on it will cause me pain and bleeding. Even cleaning it up poses some threat of getting those horrible, invisible shards stuck in an inconvenient place, which could cause reddening and infection... So I do nothing. I'm incapable of making a decision regarding the brokenness of my heart; I just sit and cry.
Circumstances would seem to point to Mexico. The situation seems impossible. It's too big for me. There is nothing anyone can do at this point; the damage is irreversible. Carlos is currently in custody, with an immigration hold. They don't want to let him out. We already did this once, but they were kind and merciful and released him to his family. Not this time. This is very bad for his appeal, which is 6 months max from being decided upon. Our wonderful immigration attorney, Maria McIntyre, said they will probably hold him until that final decision is made, whether he will be deported or granted his US Residency. But it doesn't look good. It could be over as early as November, but that just means Carlos will be in Mexico a few months earlier.
All I want is to be with my husband again. I want my family to be whole. My heart is lost because it's only half here. The other half is with him. My son is 4 now, and he misses his Papa so much. He will randomly cry for Papa after a fit of defiance, and then ask impossible questions like, "Mommy, why are some kids Papas in jail? Mommy, why do some post (police) officers take some kids Papas to jail? Mommy, why some kids don't have their Papas at home?" And my heart breaks for him; I have no answers for his innocent pleas. He doesn't understand, he just knows things are not as they have been or should be.
Finally, yesterday, I decided I will accept the seemingly inevitable, and prepare myself to move permanently to Mexico, try to get excited about it even, and I found, it makes things a lot easier on my heart. Because I love my family, and I want us to be wherever God is leading us to go, and if that place happens to be Mexico, then that's where I want to be. This won't be an easy transition for us by any means, and I know I will have my fits over it, because it isn't the future I saw myself living, or the one I imagined for my children, but then, when does life ever turn out the way anyone expected?
For now, I am here, with my two littles. And I have enough grace for today. Only today. I can't worry about tomorrow because I don't know what it will bring yet. Worrying about yesterday doesn't change anything. But today, right now, I am cradled in God's arms and He knows exactly where I am, where I came from, and where I am going, and He is around every corner, at the bottom of every ditch, knowing what is coming and what I need for today. And He gives me enough. Today I am blessed and loved and being prepared for the fullness of my life, the purpose for which God has created and called me, and that is not limited by country borders, it is only limited in Him. And that's where I want to be anyway.
Just when I thought our immigration journey (nightmare, really) was coming to a close, there it goes, up in smoke. More dreams shattered. Like broken glass, laying on the floor. And all I can do is stand and stare at it, willing it to gather itself together and magically be whole again. But the longer I stand and stare, the more frustrated and distraught I become. I can't bring myself to sweep it up and throw it away because I wanted it so badly, and even though it's broken and useless, I just leave it there on the floor and try to step around it because I know stepping on it will cause me pain and bleeding. Even cleaning it up poses some threat of getting those horrible, invisible shards stuck in an inconvenient place, which could cause reddening and infection... So I do nothing. I'm incapable of making a decision regarding the brokenness of my heart; I just sit and cry.
Circumstances would seem to point to Mexico. The situation seems impossible. It's too big for me. There is nothing anyone can do at this point; the damage is irreversible. Carlos is currently in custody, with an immigration hold. They don't want to let him out. We already did this once, but they were kind and merciful and released him to his family. Not this time. This is very bad for his appeal, which is 6 months max from being decided upon. Our wonderful immigration attorney, Maria McIntyre, said they will probably hold him until that final decision is made, whether he will be deported or granted his US Residency. But it doesn't look good. It could be over as early as November, but that just means Carlos will be in Mexico a few months earlier.
All I want is to be with my husband again. I want my family to be whole. My heart is lost because it's only half here. The other half is with him. My son is 4 now, and he misses his Papa so much. He will randomly cry for Papa after a fit of defiance, and then ask impossible questions like, "Mommy, why are some kids Papas in jail? Mommy, why do some post (police) officers take some kids Papas to jail? Mommy, why some kids don't have their Papas at home?" And my heart breaks for him; I have no answers for his innocent pleas. He doesn't understand, he just knows things are not as they have been or should be.
Finally, yesterday, I decided I will accept the seemingly inevitable, and prepare myself to move permanently to Mexico, try to get excited about it even, and I found, it makes things a lot easier on my heart. Because I love my family, and I want us to be wherever God is leading us to go, and if that place happens to be Mexico, then that's where I want to be. This won't be an easy transition for us by any means, and I know I will have my fits over it, because it isn't the future I saw myself living, or the one I imagined for my children, but then, when does life ever turn out the way anyone expected?
For now, I am here, with my two littles. And I have enough grace for today. Only today. I can't worry about tomorrow because I don't know what it will bring yet. Worrying about yesterday doesn't change anything. But today, right now, I am cradled in God's arms and He knows exactly where I am, where I came from, and where I am going, and He is around every corner, at the bottom of every ditch, knowing what is coming and what I need for today. And He gives me enough. Today I am blessed and loved and being prepared for the fullness of my life, the purpose for which God has created and called me, and that is not limited by country borders, it is only limited in Him. And that's where I want to be anyway.
Feb 22, 2013
World's Okayest Mom
So, I saw a picture of this mug shared on Facebook, and I thought, "Wow, that is a really awesome mug..."
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Feb 15, 2013
Be Mine, Valentine
Happy Valentine's Day!
Honestly, this is one of the corniest holidays of the year, in my opinion, but, hey! It's a great reason to give (and get) chocolate! And any day that celebrates chocolate is a-okay in my book.
The hubby had to work today, so I got to spend it with my little ones, who are now peacefully snoozing. That is my Valentine's Day present to myself: some Mommy Time! We usually stay up until Papa gets home from work before settling down for the night, but not tonight!
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| Haha... This reminded me of me... |
Honestly, this is one of the corniest holidays of the year, in my opinion, but, hey! It's a great reason to give (and get) chocolate! And any day that celebrates chocolate is a-okay in my book.
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| Jubee, my sweet little valentine... |
The hubby had to work today, so I got to spend it with my little ones, who are now peacefully snoozing. That is my Valentine's Day present to myself: some Mommy Time! We usually stay up until Papa gets home from work before settling down for the night, but not tonight!
Jan 29, 2013
Half a Decade...
Sunday was mine and Papa's fifth wedding anniversary. We joke about not being able to believe that it's been 5 years... Because it feels like 20! ;)
Five years ago I was so nervous... Getting dressed... Doing my makeup and hair just so... Spending hours preparing for the ultimate moment when we would say our wedding vows...
Five years ago I was so nervous... Getting dressed... Doing my makeup and hair just so... Spending hours preparing for the ultimate moment when we would say our wedding vows...
Jan 1, 2013
Happy New Year!
2013! I can't believe it! Doesn't it seem like every year passes faster than the year before? I'm not big into making New Years' Resolutions, but I think this year I would really like to focus on cherishing and treasuring the ordinary moments and hum-drum days instead of just the "special" and "extraordinary." There are so many missed special moments when we rush through life, and those are the ones I want to slow down and seek out.
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| Those blessed hands I love... |
Dec 27, 2012
What?! A WHITE Christmas?!
Yay! I finished all my Christmas gifts! I didn't know if I was going to make it or not! But I pushed through, and got it done. I have to say, I am very proud of myself! I think my husband was a bit surprised because I am a big goal-setter and list-maker and have these grand ideas, but I don't have much follow-through. I think I set the bar so high for myself that I get burned out real quick when I realize I can't live up to my own expectations! Thank God He is a lot more merciful on us than I am on myself, otherwise we would all be in trouble... He is constantly teaching me and reminding me to r e l a x..... :)
Anywho, we had loads of fun with the family. I didn't get as many pictures as I would have liked to get of all the gifts I made, but I did remember to get a few before everyone headed home!
Anywho, we had loads of fun with the family. I didn't get as many pictures as I would have liked to get of all the gifts I made, but I did remember to get a few before everyone headed home!
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| Jay-Jay loves Hello Kitty!! |
Christmas Eve S'mores
Every year, on Christmas Eve, ever since I was a kid, we have opened one small gift, in anticipation of the following morning. I always loved that tradition growing up, and I want to carry it on with my children as well. GC got to open a little die-cast car from Cars 2, Professor Z. He was thrilled. Little ones are so easy to please and the pure delight that lights little faces from something so simple is really amazing.
I decided that I wanted to add something to it though, something more substantial than a material item, so we gathered 'round the fire and made some midnight s'mores. And it was yummy!
I decided that I wanted to add something to it though, something more substantial than a material item, so we gathered 'round the fire and made some midnight s'mores. And it was yummy!
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| The Goods |
Oct 19, 2011
Missing You...
Well
Daddy, I'm really missing you again... I don't know why something so
little can just bring back a flood of emotions so quickly. I miss you
soooooo much. I wish this hole got smaller over time, but it just
doesn't. I can cover it up, but sometimes I find myself right in the
big middle of it again. And the tears flow... And my heart aches...
And I hear your voice... And I see your face... And I just plain miss
you. I can't say I just want a hug, although that would be true,
because I want more than a hug. I want you back. And that is
impossible. At least for right now. I know I will see you again
someday, but it will be different then. I need you now. I need your
wisdom, your confidence, your strength. Sometimes I still feel like a
lost little girl without you here. I just don't know what to do. I am
not good at knowing what is the right choice to make, or how to
handle a lot of situations. I'm not good at people, I'm so
awkward because I'm just so unsure, always scared to take that step
forward because I don't know if it will throw me back several steps.
I just remember that you always said, "Even a wrong decision is
better than no decision at all." And I'm such a control freak I
just don't understand how you were always so good at rolling with the
punches. I will never forget the way you spoke to me when I just knew
I was going to disappoint you. But I didn't, and you surprised me
with your loving and unfailing approval and advice. When I mess it
up, I don't know how to tell if I really did do it up good, or if
it's not that bad and just to let it roll off my wings like a bird in
the rain. The day you died, you told Mom some things that have stuck
with all of us, "Life is like this. It blows this way, and that
way, like the wind. If it's gonna fall apart, just let it fall
apart." Ugh... Sorry I rambled again. I feel a lot better now
though. I love you Daddy. I always have, and I know you knew that.
And I know you loved me.
Jesus, will you please leave this on my Dad's answering machine so he can hear it when you wake him up? Thank you that although I lost my earthly Father you have never left me and will never leave me. I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, Fatherless. I know you showed me that the day of my Dad's memorial. Please teach me to rely on You alone. To look to you for the wisdom my father used to give me. Because after all, it ultimately came from You especially for me anyway. Thank You that You are my comforter. You are my strength. And You know better than my dad did because You know the past and the present and the future. I trust You Jesus. Thank You for the great blessing You gave me, even if it was for a little while. For now, hold me like You always do and sing to me. Then set me on my feet again and walk with me. Thank you that I am never alone. I love you Jesus. I love You.
Jesus, will you please leave this on my Dad's answering machine so he can hear it when you wake him up? Thank you that although I lost my earthly Father you have never left me and will never leave me. I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, Fatherless. I know you showed me that the day of my Dad's memorial. Please teach me to rely on You alone. To look to you for the wisdom my father used to give me. Because after all, it ultimately came from You especially for me anyway. Thank You that You are my comforter. You are my strength. And You know better than my dad did because You know the past and the present and the future. I trust You Jesus. Thank You for the great blessing You gave me, even if it was for a little while. For now, hold me like You always do and sing to me. Then set me on my feet again and walk with me. Thank you that I am never alone. I love you Jesus. I love You.
Oct 14, 2011
Love's Last Hope
What
is Love? How do you know if you are truly "in" or "out"
of love? Is love something tangible, or is it all together imagined?
Can you love some "thing" or is it exclusive for people? Is
there a universal definition that fits all situations and
circumstances? Webster's says that love as a verb means: to hold dear
or cherish. As a noun, there are so many definitions ranging from
common interests to strong affection and kinsman-ship. I wonder
though.
Love is such an extraordinary thing that it amazes me that one would even attempt to put a definition to it. It is so uniquely different from person to person. But I do know one thing for sure. I am in love. Whatever that means.
So let's start from the beginning. When we are young, we have preconceived notions of what it means to love someone. And then it happens, that first look, the first electric current runs through your body, first kiss, and you are sunk. You swear that this is love, because it is stronger than any other you have ever felt before, somehow different. But then it dies. And the first death of love, the first love, is the most violent. It rips your heart out, tears it in to little pieces and spits it back in your face. Was that love? If so I don't want to ever have to go through that again! And a piece of you dies along with it. A little bit of innocence goes up in flames, and for the first time you taste the bitterness of a love lost. And you move on. And you grow up. And you start to mature and see life for what it really is; that veil has been thrown aside, or at the least it is now transparent. Love sucks.
As you grow and the years pass, you begin to realize that it was really a blessing in disguise, albeit a painful one. Without it, you would have continued to believe and see the world through rose colored lenses. Now you see reality. And you question: Was it love? But far more often you will find that the answer is no. No, not love. It was passion. And passion can be a fierce and violent force, more than any other that exists. But it seems to always die with the same intensity that it was born. So then is that it? If it was passion, what is love?
Passion is the beginning you see... Without passion, there would be no attraction, and without attraction, a relationship of intimate form would never be established. But passion alone will never survive, and since passion almost always seems to have the intensity of fire, we have to be aware that fires always die out. And look at the mess they leave behind.
But Love comes from passion. Passion is the bud on a tree, a flower, beautiful in it's season, and vibrant. But eventually it withers and dies. And it leaves behind a seed. Now if that seed gets covered up by the ashes, it will not grow, as happens with most first loves. But if it finds a good ground beneath it, it can take root and grow. And when it grows it starts slow, beneath the surface, and that's why it is seemingly unnoticed, but it will be strong. And then it sprouts, but at this point who knows what it could be. It may be a weed that needs to be pulled, but only because it has not yet taken form. The years pass and steadily it increases. Of course there will always be times of drought that may hold it back, but only for a season. Love is persistent. Love is strong. Love is grounded. Love is slow. And even, Love most of the time can be boring, mundane, colorless, and sometimes unsightly. It is a tree after-all. But that tree, when taken care of, watered and painfully pruned, will continue to grow and grown until it is a mighty tree, big and strong, unshaken with a strong and deep foundation.
That's what love is. It is selfless, as a tree does not bear fruit for it's own benefit, but for the one whom consumes it. Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Feelings fall under the passion category. And though passion is an essential part of love, it is not the main component. Being "in love" is temporary because as soon as the lover turns his back, you are suddenly "out of love" with the same person to whom who whispered promises of forever. A real lover, a true lover seeks only the benefit and never the burden of the loved. no matter the price. True love is something cultivated only by time and tested by patience.
I love and am loved. Not because I am a great human being, but because God is great.
I Corinthians 13:4-13 (This is how we are loved)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it's own way; it is not irritable it resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put away childish ways. for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I will know full, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Romans 5:5 (This is why we love)
And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Love is such an extraordinary thing that it amazes me that one would even attempt to put a definition to it. It is so uniquely different from person to person. But I do know one thing for sure. I am in love. Whatever that means.
So let's start from the beginning. When we are young, we have preconceived notions of what it means to love someone. And then it happens, that first look, the first electric current runs through your body, first kiss, and you are sunk. You swear that this is love, because it is stronger than any other you have ever felt before, somehow different. But then it dies. And the first death of love, the first love, is the most violent. It rips your heart out, tears it in to little pieces and spits it back in your face. Was that love? If so I don't want to ever have to go through that again! And a piece of you dies along with it. A little bit of innocence goes up in flames, and for the first time you taste the bitterness of a love lost. And you move on. And you grow up. And you start to mature and see life for what it really is; that veil has been thrown aside, or at the least it is now transparent. Love sucks.
As you grow and the years pass, you begin to realize that it was really a blessing in disguise, albeit a painful one. Without it, you would have continued to believe and see the world through rose colored lenses. Now you see reality. And you question: Was it love? But far more often you will find that the answer is no. No, not love. It was passion. And passion can be a fierce and violent force, more than any other that exists. But it seems to always die with the same intensity that it was born. So then is that it? If it was passion, what is love?
Passion is the beginning you see... Without passion, there would be no attraction, and without attraction, a relationship of intimate form would never be established. But passion alone will never survive, and since passion almost always seems to have the intensity of fire, we have to be aware that fires always die out. And look at the mess they leave behind.
But Love comes from passion. Passion is the bud on a tree, a flower, beautiful in it's season, and vibrant. But eventually it withers and dies. And it leaves behind a seed. Now if that seed gets covered up by the ashes, it will not grow, as happens with most first loves. But if it finds a good ground beneath it, it can take root and grow. And when it grows it starts slow, beneath the surface, and that's why it is seemingly unnoticed, but it will be strong. And then it sprouts, but at this point who knows what it could be. It may be a weed that needs to be pulled, but only because it has not yet taken form. The years pass and steadily it increases. Of course there will always be times of drought that may hold it back, but only for a season. Love is persistent. Love is strong. Love is grounded. Love is slow. And even, Love most of the time can be boring, mundane, colorless, and sometimes unsightly. It is a tree after-all. But that tree, when taken care of, watered and painfully pruned, will continue to grow and grown until it is a mighty tree, big and strong, unshaken with a strong and deep foundation.
That's what love is. It is selfless, as a tree does not bear fruit for it's own benefit, but for the one whom consumes it. Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Feelings fall under the passion category. And though passion is an essential part of love, it is not the main component. Being "in love" is temporary because as soon as the lover turns his back, you are suddenly "out of love" with the same person to whom who whispered promises of forever. A real lover, a true lover seeks only the benefit and never the burden of the loved. no matter the price. True love is something cultivated only by time and tested by patience.
I love and am loved. Not because I am a great human being, but because God is great.
I Corinthians 13:4-13 (This is how we are loved)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it's own way; it is not irritable it resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put away childish ways. for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I will know full, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Romans 5:5 (This is why we love)
And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Jul 1, 2011
Forlorn - A Letter to my Daddy
So
here I am sending a letter out into the deep abyss of cyberspace
hoping somehow it will reach you... Seems kinda silly, huh? Oh well,
sometimes healing comes through tears, I guess, and sometimes through
the imagination that is strong enough to create diseases and frail
enough to take you out of reality into a world of your own making...
And this is my world. I just wish that I wasn't so stuck in "reality"
that I lose my pipe dreams. That was one thing that we always hated
about you. You were a dreamer and no one could ground you. Everything
was about plans and the future, going somewhere, being someone, doing
something, conquering the world. But we all knew it was a bitter
trick, a loathsome feeling, it was hope. And with hope always comes
pain when it is yanked out of the sky like a crashing airplane. Our
hopes didn't ever fly for very long. Don't get me wrong, they sure
flew high, but the higher they flew, the worse the crash. So we
learned to stay on the ground and just watch others hope. Sometimes
they would take off and we just look on in wonder of how they could
have ever made that airplane stay in the sky. And when others around
us come crashing down after hoping, we smile a little, remembering the
reason we don't go "flying" anymore, and offer condolences
and advice that hoping is too dangerous and one should always live in
reality, since that is the only real world. And so our lives are such
a drastic difference from yours. Not because we aren't your family,
not because each of us don't have a piece of your personality, but
because we quit flying. We are afraid to fly. And fear is something
you never had and that's what made you such a great flyer. I don't
think you even noticed when one of your hope "planes" fell
out of the sky because by then you had already jumped onto a
different one. You never came out of that sky. Even when you died,
you were living a dream with your own bike shop! Imagine! Amazing.
And all because you dared to dream. Without it, quality of life goes
down so dramatically it makes life not worth living. After-all this
world can be Hell. Who is capable of living in this reality without going
crazy?? I think I'm learning to fly again although Carlos keeps me
like a kite, going high and free but always attached to the ground,
or some stable weight, so I don't go flying out of control. It's
good, but sometimes I wish I could just soar. However you would be
proud of me now. You know how I know? Because I'm doing exactly what
you told me not to do. :) I am a make-up artist and hair stylist. And
of course that is the one profession you made me promise I would
never go into, but just you watch, I'm gonna make it to the top. I'm
good at it and I really enjoy doing it. And it pays good. I can see
you pinching tears. I know you always wanted the best for me and you
always loved me. And I am so thankful that God gave me a Daddy like
you. And I am so thankful that God loved me through you. And I am so
thankful that God still loves me the same way even though you are
gone, just sometimes it is a little harder to recognize or see that
fatherly love because it isn't in human form. And I am thankful that
I still have my Mommy. She is the best and strongest woman I have
ever known. She has been through so much and she still has the
prettiest smile and most sincere laugh. Sorry I made this so long. I
know you have a short attention span. Have a good rest until our
Father joins us together again with Him. I love you Daddy. And I miss
you. Good bye for now.
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