You know the moment you fully expect something to be one thing and it turns out to be something else entirely? Yeah, me too... I've become intimately acquainted with that feeling over the past 3 months.
Showing posts with label Mexico. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mexico. Show all posts
Jul 1, 2014
Feb 2, 2014
Is He Really that Good?
I wish I had more time to write... My life is so busy. If you have little children, then you well know how taking care of them alone is a full-time job, but when you are doing it alone, the extra responsibilities of working and all the little things that add up to major time-eaters, definitely keep a woman and mommy BUSY! I am currently sitting here writing with a nursing baby in my lap. She was sick all week with some kind of cough/throw up/fever thing and has been in Mama's lap every second she can. My room is a wreck... I washed clothes last Saturday, more than a week ago now, and they still sit folded in the laundry baskets, lol. I've been to the store about 3 times this weekend because my head is in so many places, that I can't get it together and remember everything I needed. And I will still have to go again this afternoon because I forgot to remember that we will have to eat this coming week too, haha... Oh the joy!
But I'm happy. I don't know if I've ever felt this much joy and peace. I'm at rest, despite the fact that my surroundings might suggest otherwise. I'm excited and full of anticipation for what is to come in our lives!
There is so much good that has gone on, true miracles that I didn't know if I would ever see that I would love to share, but it's not mine to share so publicly so soon. Later on I'll be able to post it. :)
What I can say, and it's really the only important part anyway, is God is so good. He is so good to me, so good to my husband, so good to my family. I know that he has plans for us in Mexico, and I can't wait to walk in them.
He has had me in such a place of peace and joy, just so wrapped in his love, that I feel and experience it in a way that I never have before. It's like... I always had the right answers to the tough questions, and "knew" that God was my loving father instead of an angry judge, but I lived my life and expected those around me to live by the "right" set of rules. And now I know that this was actually evidence of the fact that it was only head knowledge and symptoms of the unexperienced truth of God's character. It was rhetoric. Man, I had no idea what it meant to know God's love. And it's like... He didn't just show me, he overwhelmed me. Overwhelmed me with his presence, with his embrace. I don't know how else to explain it... Except to say, God is so good. And that is a major understatement.
He showed me his love first in an experiential way, just a comfort and rest in knowing he was taking care of me, and revealing to me how sweet and what a blessing these last 8 months have truly been. And it was enough. It was more than enough. It was glorious. Then, he started actually taking care of things. Money is tight and I was just making it before we found out we would be moving to Mexico. Add on top of that plane tickets, passports, finishing paying off our immigration attorney, vet visits, survival money for Carlos until he gets a job, and another million seemingly endless things that you don't think about think about until it's time to go, and time-eaters, like driving back and forth THREE times to the passport office because of distraction and lack of paperwork. Like having to find a way to sell or give away a house full of items that have been accumulated over the course of a lifetime, piddly things and sentimental things. But in the end, they are just things.
Anyway, so Carlos and I decided we would sell my car without fixing it, since I can't take it with me, and I've been without it for the last 8 months anyway, it just wasn't worth it to come up with the money to fix it, only to then have to turn around and sell it. Just minor issues, something that anyone remotely handy around a car could fix in a matter of an hour or so, but unfortunately, I am NOT technically minded, haha. But the thought of selling the car was so daunting! How do I do it? What do I say? How do I explain what the problem is if I don't even understand it myself? So I sat on it for a few days, and then, out of the blue, I get a phone call from my niece (the car was being stored at her house) saying that she woke up to a note on the windshield of her car. A name and phone number of someone who drove by, saw the car, and was interested in buying it! And he paid exactly what I had in mind to sell it for! God. It was just God. He took all the "work" out of that, and just blessed us. Hopefully, my car will be a blessing to the man who bought it; it sure has been one to me all these years.
Before deciding to sell the car, I had received a message from a friend that someone was going to anonymously donate money to our Mexico trip and needs! WHAT?! And it was exactly the amount I had calculated needing in order to get everything done. Look, I really hate talking about money, it just makes me really uncomfortable, always has, so I avoid it at all costs. But, WHAT?! Unfortunately, despite my aversion to the subject, it is necessary in this world. And my heavenly father knows that. He didn't make me scrape and scrounge and beg (although I have before), he just ...gave it to me... and he is so good. To be honest, I am really glad it was "anonymous" because I would have a really hard time being face-to-face with that person(s), lol, just because, well, I don't know, it's weird. God is soooooo good. He just is. And not because of his benefits, but because of his relationship.
Am I getting too mushy? I don't want to be, as I really am not too much of an emotional person, but there just isn't another way to express it than this. And it's really awesome when God makes things so apparent, when he takes all the guess work out of it. I don't "deserve" any of this. I didn't work for it, thank God, that's too much pressure, and I don't handle "expectations" too well. Now if HE wants to do all the work for me? Go right ahead, you do it, you change my heart, you make it happen in me and for me. You be my Daddy, a Daddy who cares for his daughters, his sons. More than I care for mine. Now that's a thought... A scripture comes to my mind a lot lately,
"And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!" And he will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous... You shall have a song as in the night when a holy feast is kept, and gladness of heart, as when one sets out to the sound of the flute to go to the mountain of the Lord, to the Rock of Israel."
-Isaiah 30:20-23, 29
Again, a super long post, sorry about that. Maybe if I posted more often they wouldn't be so long, but alas, life calls... and children... and responsibilities... but this post has been running through my mind for a few weeks now, and I just had to get it out.
Love you all.
But I'm happy. I don't know if I've ever felt this much joy and peace. I'm at rest, despite the fact that my surroundings might suggest otherwise. I'm excited and full of anticipation for what is to come in our lives!
There is so much good that has gone on, true miracles that I didn't know if I would ever see that I would love to share, but it's not mine to share so publicly so soon. Later on I'll be able to post it. :)
What I can say, and it's really the only important part anyway, is God is so good. He is so good to me, so good to my husband, so good to my family. I know that he has plans for us in Mexico, and I can't wait to walk in them.
He has had me in such a place of peace and joy, just so wrapped in his love, that I feel and experience it in a way that I never have before. It's like... I always had the right answers to the tough questions, and "knew" that God was my loving father instead of an angry judge, but I lived my life and expected those around me to live by the "right" set of rules. And now I know that this was actually evidence of the fact that it was only head knowledge and symptoms of the unexperienced truth of God's character. It was rhetoric. Man, I had no idea what it meant to know God's love. And it's like... He didn't just show me, he overwhelmed me. Overwhelmed me with his presence, with his embrace. I don't know how else to explain it... Except to say, God is so good. And that is a major understatement.
He showed me his love first in an experiential way, just a comfort and rest in knowing he was taking care of me, and revealing to me how sweet and what a blessing these last 8 months have truly been. And it was enough. It was more than enough. It was glorious. Then, he started actually taking care of things. Money is tight and I was just making it before we found out we would be moving to Mexico. Add on top of that plane tickets, passports, finishing paying off our immigration attorney, vet visits, survival money for Carlos until he gets a job, and another million seemingly endless things that you don't think about think about until it's time to go, and time-eaters, like driving back and forth THREE times to the passport office because of distraction and lack of paperwork. Like having to find a way to sell or give away a house full of items that have been accumulated over the course of a lifetime, piddly things and sentimental things. But in the end, they are just things.
Anyway, so Carlos and I decided we would sell my car without fixing it, since I can't take it with me, and I've been without it for the last 8 months anyway, it just wasn't worth it to come up with the money to fix it, only to then have to turn around and sell it. Just minor issues, something that anyone remotely handy around a car could fix in a matter of an hour or so, but unfortunately, I am NOT technically minded, haha. But the thought of selling the car was so daunting! How do I do it? What do I say? How do I explain what the problem is if I don't even understand it myself? So I sat on it for a few days, and then, out of the blue, I get a phone call from my niece (the car was being stored at her house) saying that she woke up to a note on the windshield of her car. A name and phone number of someone who drove by, saw the car, and was interested in buying it! And he paid exactly what I had in mind to sell it for! God. It was just God. He took all the "work" out of that, and just blessed us. Hopefully, my car will be a blessing to the man who bought it; it sure has been one to me all these years.
Before deciding to sell the car, I had received a message from a friend that someone was going to anonymously donate money to our Mexico trip and needs! WHAT?! And it was exactly the amount I had calculated needing in order to get everything done. Look, I really hate talking about money, it just makes me really uncomfortable, always has, so I avoid it at all costs. But, WHAT?! Unfortunately, despite my aversion to the subject, it is necessary in this world. And my heavenly father knows that. He didn't make me scrape and scrounge and beg (although I have before), he just ...gave it to me... and he is so good. To be honest, I am really glad it was "anonymous" because I would have a really hard time being face-to-face with that person(s), lol, just because, well, I don't know, it's weird. God is soooooo good. He just is. And not because of his benefits, but because of his relationship.
Am I getting too mushy? I don't want to be, as I really am not too much of an emotional person, but there just isn't another way to express it than this. And it's really awesome when God makes things so apparent, when he takes all the guess work out of it. I don't "deserve" any of this. I didn't work for it, thank God, that's too much pressure, and I don't handle "expectations" too well. Now if HE wants to do all the work for me? Go right ahead, you do it, you change my heart, you make it happen in me and for me. You be my Daddy, a Daddy who cares for his daughters, his sons. More than I care for mine. Now that's a thought... A scripture comes to my mind a lot lately,
"And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!" And he will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous... You shall have a song as in the night when a holy feast is kept, and gladness of heart, as when one sets out to the sound of the flute to go to the mountain of the Lord, to the Rock of Israel."
-Isaiah 30:20-23, 29
Again, a super long post, sorry about that. Maybe if I posted more often they wouldn't be so long, but alas, life calls... and children... and responsibilities... but this post has been running through my mind for a few weeks now, and I just had to get it out.
Love you all.
Jan 3, 2014
The Great {IN}Justice System
Today is January 3rd. The last day available to appeal the judge's last decision to remove Carlos from the great USofA. And, of course, we won't, that was already decided, but now that it's here, they are free to come pick up Carlos and put him on a very long bus ride "home."
"Home" seems a strange word to relate to a place I barely am even acquainted with, but I'm sure I will come to love it. I do love Mexico already. I always wanted to live 100 years ago, and well, in some ways, this grants that request. Of course Mexico isn't all antiquated, they have cars and cell phones, internet and TV, but the style of living from 100 years ago continues, only it coexists with modern technology. It's a strange relationship to me, but one that I will come to know well. I look forward to learning my new environment, new customs, new "norms" although I usually go against them anyway.
I am a little frustrated (to say the least) with the way this whole thing has gone, though. And to think that "justice was served" is quite maddening. How is it just? What defines justice? A hard-working man, taken away from his family indefinitely, sent back to his "country of origin" without the least regard toward his wife and children, who by the way are US Citizens, is thrown away, and we call this justice because he was never supposed to have been here in the first place. So what then? Is it better to throw away one man who didn't belong, and sacrifice three of it's own citizens? Is it just for my own country to have betrayed me and my children? This "Land of Opportunity"?
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free;
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless,
Tempest-tossed to me
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame is the imprisoned lightning,
And her name, Mother of Exiles.
From her beacon-hand glows world-wide welcome;
Her mild eyes command the air-bridged harbor
That twin cities frame.
"Keep, Ancient Lands, your storied pomp!"
Cries she with silent lips.
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free;
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless,
Tempest-tossed to me
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
"Home" seems a strange word to relate to a place I barely am even acquainted with, but I'm sure I will come to love it. I do love Mexico already. I always wanted to live 100 years ago, and well, in some ways, this grants that request. Of course Mexico isn't all antiquated, they have cars and cell phones, internet and TV, but the style of living from 100 years ago continues, only it coexists with modern technology. It's a strange relationship to me, but one that I will come to know well. I look forward to learning my new environment, new customs, new "norms" although I usually go against them anyway.
I am a little frustrated (to say the least) with the way this whole thing has gone, though. And to think that "justice was served" is quite maddening. How is it just? What defines justice? A hard-working man, taken away from his family indefinitely, sent back to his "country of origin" without the least regard toward his wife and children, who by the way are US Citizens, is thrown away, and we call this justice because he was never supposed to have been here in the first place. So what then? Is it better to throw away one man who didn't belong, and sacrifice three of it's own citizens? Is it just for my own country to have betrayed me and my children? This "Land of Opportunity"?
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free;
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless,
Tempest-tossed to me
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame is the imprisoned lightning,
And her name, Mother of Exiles.
From her beacon-hand glows world-wide welcome;
Her mild eyes command the air-bridged harbor
That twin cities frame.
"Keep, Ancient Lands, your storied pomp!"
Cries she with silent lips.
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free;
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless,
Tempest-tossed to me
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
Dec 26, 2013
Nostalgia
Okay, so it is Christmas Day, but just barely. 2:15am, lol. I just made a Christmas post, and I didn't want to be a downer to anyone, so I left it upbeat, and decided I would write this and save it as a draft and publish it in a few days. :)
All these holidays and birthdays are really making me sad and dragging me down. It's a time to be with family and celebrate life and love and all the good things, but without Carlos here, it makes it hard. I feel like we should be doing this together. And although I trudge on through, the children should not have to suffer through a mommy who isn't good at coping and it weighs on my heart. I feel like he is missing out on all these precious moments and I have to enjoy them doubly so he can absorb those experiences from me when our family is reunited. I want to represent him to the children until he comes home, so they know he is always present, or at least wants to be more than anything in the world. But I fail. Epically. I am so terrible at being Mother AND Father. Super kudos to all you single mothers who do it everyday. Carlos and I have discussed what we would do if we ever found ourselves in the position of losing the other and having to raise the kids alone. And we both agreed that we would incorporate as much of the other person into our customs and ways of raising the children as much as possible. Thankfully, I haven't lost him, just temporarily, but I really sucked at that! Ha! I can't be Carlos to the children. I am too busy struggling to be me and too preoccupied with doing the very best that I can to make sure they don't grow up too dysfunctional due to all of my shortcomings. All I can do is pray that there was some purpose in God's plan and that they will be blessed and blessings as they become adults, that God will shield them from absorbing anything that doesn't benefit them and make them sponges to the good things he provides. Giancarlo and Carmen-Elena are so very precious to my heart. I guess being a mom teaches you how much you don't know and how incapable you are of handling life, haha, but then once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself through GC's eyes and it never fails to amaze me. Without fail it will happen when I am doubting myself or being super hard on myself for some other epic failure, and he will look at me and say, "Yes you can Mommy, I know you can! You can do anything! I trust you." And just like that, I'm reminded that the things I allow to grow and overwhelm my mind are not as big as I imagined. I take myself way too seriously most times. My dad used to always say not to take life too seriously, because no one gets out alive anyway, life's a bitch and then you die, haha... Anyway, I'm rambling now. That's normal, just so you know... :)
The point of all this? Eh... I'm just feeling nostalgic. :) It gets better! I know! Just hang in there with me. Soon this will all be a distant memory, a precipice in ours lives, a time of spiritual growth and maturity for both of us. I'm thankful for it already, because although it has been hard, this has been a time of grace. Grace has been measured to me in abundance, and Carlos has found grace, maybe for the first time ever, I don't know. I am blessed beyond measure, and I have peace about our upcoming move to Mexico. Thank you all for your continued prayers. I love you all.
Holly
All these holidays and birthdays are really making me sad and dragging me down. It's a time to be with family and celebrate life and love and all the good things, but without Carlos here, it makes it hard. I feel like we should be doing this together. And although I trudge on through, the children should not have to suffer through a mommy who isn't good at coping and it weighs on my heart. I feel like he is missing out on all these precious moments and I have to enjoy them doubly so he can absorb those experiences from me when our family is reunited. I want to represent him to the children until he comes home, so they know he is always present, or at least wants to be more than anything in the world. But I fail. Epically. I am so terrible at being Mother AND Father. Super kudos to all you single mothers who do it everyday. Carlos and I have discussed what we would do if we ever found ourselves in the position of losing the other and having to raise the kids alone. And we both agreed that we would incorporate as much of the other person into our customs and ways of raising the children as much as possible. Thankfully, I haven't lost him, just temporarily, but I really sucked at that! Ha! I can't be Carlos to the children. I am too busy struggling to be me and too preoccupied with doing the very best that I can to make sure they don't grow up too dysfunctional due to all of my shortcomings. All I can do is pray that there was some purpose in God's plan and that they will be blessed and blessings as they become adults, that God will shield them from absorbing anything that doesn't benefit them and make them sponges to the good things he provides. Giancarlo and Carmen-Elena are so very precious to my heart. I guess being a mom teaches you how much you don't know and how incapable you are of handling life, haha, but then once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself through GC's eyes and it never fails to amaze me. Without fail it will happen when I am doubting myself or being super hard on myself for some other epic failure, and he will look at me and say, "Yes you can Mommy, I know you can! You can do anything! I trust you." And just like that, I'm reminded that the things I allow to grow and overwhelm my mind are not as big as I imagined. I take myself way too seriously most times. My dad used to always say not to take life too seriously, because no one gets out alive anyway, life's a bitch and then you die, haha... Anyway, I'm rambling now. That's normal, just so you know... :)
The point of all this? Eh... I'm just feeling nostalgic. :) It gets better! I know! Just hang in there with me. Soon this will all be a distant memory, a precipice in ours lives, a time of spiritual growth and maturity for both of us. I'm thankful for it already, because although it has been hard, this has been a time of grace. Grace has been measured to me in abundance, and Carlos has found grace, maybe for the first time ever, I don't know. I am blessed beyond measure, and I have peace about our upcoming move to Mexico. Thank you all for your continued prayers. I love you all.
Holly
Dec 21, 2013
And Life Goes On
It seems like it always takes me a little while to process new information before I can accept that it is a reality...
These last seven months have really dragged. I've felt like my life has been suspended in mid-air, no moving forward or backward, just frozen in time, full of anticipation, fear, dread, hope, and even some excitement at times, of what lies in store for us. I've wanted to prepare to move my family to Mexico, so that I would be ready at the drop of a hat, but I never could bring myself to actually do anything about it, because I still clung, and wanted to cling, to the hope of staying stateside.
It's not that I dislike Mexico, by any means; I just wanted to have a choice, a say in the matter,some semblance of control over my own future. But maturity and experience have taught me that it was a choice I made when I said "I do," and I'm okay with that. The thought of living in Mexico is a bit daunting, though, because I am not Mexican, I have never lived anywhere else than right here, in this same 25 mile radius, my whole 27 years of life. There are so many variables and unknowns that I can't find the solution in my head (oh, that's my inner math geek showing, don't mind her...).
These last seven months have really dragged. I've felt like my life has been suspended in mid-air, no moving forward or backward, just frozen in time, full of anticipation, fear, dread, hope, and even some excitement at times, of what lies in store for us. I've wanted to prepare to move my family to Mexico, so that I would be ready at the drop of a hat, but I never could bring myself to actually do anything about it, because I still clung, and wanted to cling, to the hope of staying stateside.
It's not that I dislike Mexico, by any means; I just wanted to have a choice, a say in the matter,some semblance of control over my own future. But maturity and experience have taught me that it was a choice I made when I said "I do," and I'm okay with that. The thought of living in Mexico is a bit daunting, though, because I am not Mexican, I have never lived anywhere else than right here, in this same 25 mile radius, my whole 27 years of life. There are so many variables and unknowns that I can't find the solution in my head (oh, that's my inner math geek showing, don't mind her...).
Dec 14, 2013
Unexpected
Blah... That's how I feel today... Just, blah...
I am such a mess. I got some information over the weekend that Carlos may be making his way to Mexico sooner than I had anticipated. Well, maybe not sooner, but definitely more suddenly than I expected.
More to come...
I am such a mess. I got some information over the weekend that Carlos may be making his way to Mexico sooner than I had anticipated. Well, maybe not sooner, but definitely more suddenly than I expected.
More to come...
Dec 13, 2013
Confessions
It has been several months since my last post, but I have been thinking about jumping back on here and posting again. I have had some time to acclimate myself to the situation I am in, and I have become numb to the pain I felt when I wrote my last post.
I went back and re-read it, and I had almost forgotten the sharpness of the pain I felt at that point, the way I sat in front of the computer in tears as I put my heart to paper. But now... It's different... I'm okay... I have peace... It's not any easier, because Carlos still isn't here. But he isn't gone either. And I'm not alone, although some days I still feel that way. Life keeps going and moving, and stops for no man. I have learned that through experience, first when my father passed away in 2007, and now when my husband has been taken from me for a period of time. It just takes awhile to remember that you do indeed know how to breathe, that you are capable of putting one foot in front of the other, and living life has become so second nature, that you will continue to move and grow, even if only reluctantly...
When I started this blog, or started writing semi-regularly anyway, I was so high on life, with a new baby, new mother of two, learning the joys of having a boy and a girl, a big kid and a baby, watching my husband ogle over our new daughter, busy making Christmas presents for the WHOLE family... and my posts reflected that. I won't say that I wasn't real, but I will admit I was shallow in my blogging. I want to be more transparent, especially because that is something that is so hard for me to do, but something I crave with all my heart, something I long to feel: openness.
And that's what I'm going to try to do. Be open and honest about me and my life, and maybe you can relate, maybe you care, maybe not. But this is my blog and that's my prerogative, haha... To my family and friends: thanks for being there for me. I love you all so much more than you know.
Holly
I went back and re-read it, and I had almost forgotten the sharpness of the pain I felt at that point, the way I sat in front of the computer in tears as I put my heart to paper. But now... It's different... I'm okay... I have peace... It's not any easier, because Carlos still isn't here. But he isn't gone either. And I'm not alone, although some days I still feel that way. Life keeps going and moving, and stops for no man. I have learned that through experience, first when my father passed away in 2007, and now when my husband has been taken from me for a period of time. It just takes awhile to remember that you do indeed know how to breathe, that you are capable of putting one foot in front of the other, and living life has become so second nature, that you will continue to move and grow, even if only reluctantly...
When I started this blog, or started writing semi-regularly anyway, I was so high on life, with a new baby, new mother of two, learning the joys of having a boy and a girl, a big kid and a baby, watching my husband ogle over our new daughter, busy making Christmas presents for the WHOLE family... and my posts reflected that. I won't say that I wasn't real, but I will admit I was shallow in my blogging. I want to be more transparent, especially because that is something that is so hard for me to do, but something I crave with all my heart, something I long to feel: openness.
And that's what I'm going to try to do. Be open and honest about me and my life, and maybe you can relate, maybe you care, maybe not. But this is my blog and that's my prerogative, haha... To my family and friends: thanks for being there for me. I love you all so much more than you know.
Holly
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