Up in Smoke...

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile...  My life started to derail, and I have been out of motivation for, well, anything, for several months.  I guess I could go back and catch you all up on what's been going on, but I don't have the patience or energy for that much thought at this point.  So... I can start from today.  And that will have to be enough until I can gather myself together enough to put words to paper.

Just when I thought our immigration journey (nightmare, really) was coming to a close, there it goes, up in smoke.  More dreams shattered.  Like broken glass, laying on the floor.  And all I can do is stand and stare at it, willing it to gather itself together and magically be whole again.  But the longer I stand and stare, the more frustrated and distraught I become.  I can't bring myself to sweep it up and throw it away because I wanted it so badly, and even though it's broken and useless, I just leave it there on the floor and try to step around it because I know stepping on it will cause me pain and bleeding.  Even cleaning it up poses some threat of getting those horrible, invisible shards stuck in an inconvenient place, which could cause reddening and infection...  So I do nothing.  I'm incapable of making a decision regarding the brokenness of my heart; I just sit and cry.

Circumstances would seem to point to Mexico.  The situation seems impossible.  It's too big for me.  There is nothing anyone can do at this point; the damage is irreversible.  Carlos is currently in custody, with an immigration hold.  They don't want to let him out.  We already did this once, but they were kind and merciful and released him to his family.  Not this time.  This is very bad for his appeal, which is 6 months max from being decided upon.  Our wonderful immigration attorney, Maria McIntyre, said they will probably hold him until that final decision is made, whether he will be deported or granted his US Residency.  But it doesn't look good.  It could be over as early as November, but that just means Carlos will be in Mexico a few months earlier.

All I want is to be with my husband again.  I want my family to be whole.  My heart is lost because it's only half here.  The other half is with him.  My son is 4 now, and he misses his Papa so much.  He will randomly cry for Papa after a fit of defiance, and then ask impossible questions like, "Mommy, why are some kids Papas in jail?  Mommy, why do some post (police) officers take some kids Papas to jail?  Mommy, why some kids don't have their Papas at home?"  And my heart breaks for him; I have no answers for his innocent pleas.  He doesn't understand, he just knows things are not as they have been or should be.

Finally, yesterday, I decided I will accept the seemingly inevitable, and prepare myself to move permanently to Mexico, try to get excited about it even, and I found, it makes things a lot easier on my heart.  Because I love my family, and I want us to be wherever God is leading us to go, and if that place happens to be Mexico, then that's where I want to be. This won't be an easy transition for us by any means, and I know I will have my fits over it, because it isn't the future I saw myself living, or the one I imagined for my children, but then, when does life ever turn out the way anyone expected?

For now, I am here, with my two littles.  And I have enough grace for today.  Only today.  I can't worry about tomorrow because I don't know what it will bring yet.  Worrying about yesterday doesn't change anything.  But today, right now, I am cradled in God's arms and He knows exactly where I am, where I came from, and where I am going, and He is around every corner, at the bottom of every ditch, knowing what is coming and what I need for today.  And He gives me enough.  Today I am blessed and loved and being prepared for the fullness of my life, the purpose for which God has created and called me, and that is not limited by country borders, it is only limited in Him.  And that's where I want to be anyway.

It's the Little Things...

Oh me, oh my... I tell you what... I am sitting here at the computer, trying to get some work done.  But every time I look down, I see this beautiful little face.  She is very distracting.  I keep finding myself staring at her; studying every facet of this sweet, perfect face.  How fleeting these moments are!!  How quickly they get away from us, and before we know it, we are looking at a full grown human being.

Jubee

My Heart Soars Anyway

It's really been awhile since I've posted anything on here, been a little (read: very) busy... So many different things that have been going on in my life recently and it's had me on an emotional and mental roller coaster!  But thankfully my God is unwavering and patient with me, even when I'm on a downward spiral.  I would be so lost without Him to steady my heart.  He is constantly proving His love to me and for me, over and over, and He never ceases to amaze me with the depths of his mercy and knowledge and love.  Haha...  I never see it coming and it always catches me off guard and knocks me off my feet.  But I guess that's the way God is with me.  LOL 'Cause He knows me so well and knows that if I expected it, I would try to work something up... And most times I am so busy trying to "work something up" for whatever situation I happen to find myself in at the moment, that I forget to relax.

I'm definitely not a roll-with-the-punches or fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl!  I'm a thinker, a let's-think-this-through-beginning-to-end, a look-at-the-pros-and-cons, a lets-imagine-possible-outcomes, and THEN make a decision kind of girl... HAHA... That is very tiresome... And most times results in a non-decision anyway, or a started project that never gets finished.  My dad always said that a wrong decision is better than no decision at all.  I believe that in theory, but seldom practice it because, well,  I think too much.

Anyway, God is bigger than my wandering thoughts, and for that I am very thankful.  I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately, since his 5 year anniversary since his death is coming up in a few days on May 9th.  I've tried to remember things that he told me over the years, advice that stands time and spans different situations.  And sometimes I try to imagine what kind of advice he would give me for a particular situation, but even after knowing him my whole life, I still could never predict what he would say to me or how he would react and every time it would be something unexpected.  So this is just a nostalgic, futile effort.

I do miss my dad immensely and I miss that he didn't get to see me grow up.  I was 20 when he died on a motorcycle.  But my heart soars, because one thing he taught all of us is that God is the only one who can raise a phoenix from the ashes... over and over... My heart soars because I am loved, I have love, I was taught love, I love, and I was loved.  My heart soars because I refuse to stay on the ground watching everyone else fly above.  My heart soars because life is a gift.  My heart soars because my actions do not define me.  My heart soars because it is it's nature.  My heart soars because God gave me wings.

And I am thankful.

Fantasy Escape

Insomnia. Lying awake thinking of all the things you would say if you ever had the chance.
Hopelessness. Knowing you will never have that chance.
Insanity. Holding on to something that isn't real, at least not anymore, and making yourself believe that you can make it back there if you just want it bad enough.

We all have a fantasy world. One we create to escape reality. The place we go in our dreams where everything is alright, and nothing is a mess. Or am I alone? Am I the only one? Surely not. And this fantasy world of make-believe is a welcomed and healthy reprieve from this journey called life. But sometimes when reality is too brutal and harsh to deal with, our perfect worlds become a part of us, even during waking hours. And time is wasted wishing it could become reality, but hurting ourselves, knowing that there is no way to get there (this place does not even exist), no way out, and thus falling further into an abyss of hopelessness when looking at the only reality available. The mean one, the hard one, the cold and insufferable one. But then. Somehow, a glimmer of light falls from the sky, so graciously, just when you thought you could not take another breath. And a fresh breeze sweeps across your skin, and the sun warms your face. It's mercy. And just in time. And then, your ever-so-tight grip on this longed-for fantasy world begins to release, and your mind relaxes. Thank you Jesus. Sometimes you just have to let things die so they can come back to life.

Forlorn - A Letter to my Daddy

So here I am sending a letter out into the deep abyss of cyberspace hoping somehow it will reach you... Seems kinda silly, huh? Oh well, sometimes healing comes through tears, I guess, and sometimes through the imagination that is strong enough to create diseases and frail enough to take you out of reality into a world of your own making... And this is my world. I just wish that I wasn't so stuck in "reality" that I lose my pipe dreams. That was one thing that we always hated about you. You were a dreamer and no one could ground you. Everything was about plans and the future, going somewhere, being someone, doing something, conquering the world. But we all knew it was a bitter trick, a loathsome feeling, it was hope. And with hope always comes pain when it is yanked out of the sky like a crashing airplane. Our hopes didn't ever fly for very long. Don't get me wrong, they sure flew high, but the higher they flew, the worse the crash. So we learned to stay on the ground and just watch others hope. Sometimes they would take off and we just look on in wonder of how they could have ever made that airplane stay in the sky. And when others around us come crashing down after hoping, we smile a little, remembering the reason we don't go "flying" anymore, and offer condolences and advice that hoping is too dangerous and one should always live in reality, since that is the only real world. And so our lives are such a drastic difference from yours. Not because we aren't your family, not because each of us don't have a piece of your personality, but because we quit flying. We are afraid to fly. And fear is something you never had and that's what made you such a great flyer. I don't think you even noticed when one of your hope "planes" fell out of the sky because by then you had already jumped onto a different one. You never came out of that sky. Even when you died, you were living a dream with your own bike shop! Imagine! Amazing. And all because you dared to dream. Without it, quality of life goes down so dramatically it makes life not worth living. After-all this world can be Hell. Who is capable of living in this reality without going crazy?? I think I'm learning to fly again although Carlos keeps me like a kite, going high and free but always attached to the ground, or some stable weight, so I don't go flying out of control. It's good, but sometimes I wish I could just soar. However you would be proud of me now. You know how I know? Because I'm doing exactly what you told me not to do. :) I am a make-up artist and hair stylist. And of course that is the one profession you made me promise I would never go into, but just you watch, I'm gonna make it to the top. I'm good at it and I really enjoy doing it. And it pays good. I can see you pinching tears. I know you always wanted the best for me and you always loved me. And I am so thankful that God gave me a Daddy like you. And I am so thankful that God loved me through you. And I am so thankful that God still loves me the same way even though you are gone, just sometimes it is a little harder to recognize or see that fatherly love because it isn't in human form. And I am thankful that I still have my Mommy. She is the best and strongest woman I have ever known. She has been through so much and she still has the prettiest smile and most sincere laugh. Sorry I made this so long. I know you have a short attention span. Have a good rest until our Father joins us together again with Him. I love you Daddy. And I miss you. Good bye for now.