Up in Smoke...

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile...  My life started to derail, and I have been out of motivation for, well, anything, for several months.  I guess I could go back and catch you all up on what's been going on, but I don't have the patience or energy for that much thought at this point.  So... I can start from today.  And that will have to be enough until I can gather myself together enough to put words to paper.

Just when I thought our immigration journey (nightmare, really) was coming to a close, there it goes, up in smoke.  More dreams shattered.  Like broken glass, laying on the floor.  And all I can do is stand and stare at it, willing it to gather itself together and magically be whole again.  But the longer I stand and stare, the more frustrated and distraught I become.  I can't bring myself to sweep it up and throw it away because I wanted it so badly, and even though it's broken and useless, I just leave it there on the floor and try to step around it because I know stepping on it will cause me pain and bleeding.  Even cleaning it up poses some threat of getting those horrible, invisible shards stuck in an inconvenient place, which could cause reddening and infection...  So I do nothing.  I'm incapable of making a decision regarding the brokenness of my heart; I just sit and cry.

Circumstances would seem to point to Mexico.  The situation seems impossible.  It's too big for me.  There is nothing anyone can do at this point; the damage is irreversible.  Carlos is currently in custody, with an immigration hold.  They don't want to let him out.  We already did this once, but they were kind and merciful and released him to his family.  Not this time.  This is very bad for his appeal, which is 6 months max from being decided upon.  Our wonderful immigration attorney, Maria McIntyre, said they will probably hold him until that final decision is made, whether he will be deported or granted his US Residency.  But it doesn't look good.  It could be over as early as November, but that just means Carlos will be in Mexico a few months earlier.

All I want is to be with my husband again.  I want my family to be whole.  My heart is lost because it's only half here.  The other half is with him.  My son is 4 now, and he misses his Papa so much.  He will randomly cry for Papa after a fit of defiance, and then ask impossible questions like, "Mommy, why are some kids Papas in jail?  Mommy, why do some post (police) officers take some kids Papas to jail?  Mommy, why some kids don't have their Papas at home?"  And my heart breaks for him; I have no answers for his innocent pleas.  He doesn't understand, he just knows things are not as they have been or should be.

Finally, yesterday, I decided I will accept the seemingly inevitable, and prepare myself to move permanently to Mexico, try to get excited about it even, and I found, it makes things a lot easier on my heart.  Because I love my family, and I want us to be wherever God is leading us to go, and if that place happens to be Mexico, then that's where I want to be. This won't be an easy transition for us by any means, and I know I will have my fits over it, because it isn't the future I saw myself living, or the one I imagined for my children, but then, when does life ever turn out the way anyone expected?

For now, I am here, with my two littles.  And I have enough grace for today.  Only today.  I can't worry about tomorrow because I don't know what it will bring yet.  Worrying about yesterday doesn't change anything.  But today, right now, I am cradled in God's arms and He knows exactly where I am, where I came from, and where I am going, and He is around every corner, at the bottom of every ditch, knowing what is coming and what I need for today.  And He gives me enough.  Today I am blessed and loved and being prepared for the fullness of my life, the purpose for which God has created and called me, and that is not limited by country borders, it is only limited in Him.  And that's where I want to be anyway.

Missing You...

Well Daddy, I'm really missing you again... I don't know why something so little can just bring back a flood of emotions so quickly. I miss you soooooo much. I wish this hole got smaller over time, but it just doesn't. I can cover it up, but sometimes I find myself right in the big middle of it again. And the tears flow... And my heart aches... And I hear your voice... And I see your face... And I just plain miss you. I can't say I just want a hug, although that would be true, because I want more than a hug. I want you back. And that is impossible. At least for right now. I know I will see you again someday, but it will be different then. I need you now. I need your wisdom, your confidence, your strength. Sometimes I still feel like a lost little girl without you here. I just don't know what to do. I am not good at knowing what is the right choice to make, or how to handle a lot of situations.  I'm not good at people, I'm so awkward because I'm just so unsure, always scared to take that step forward because I don't know if it will throw me back several steps. I just remember that you always said, "Even a wrong decision is better than no decision at all." And I'm such a control freak I just don't understand how you were always so good at rolling with the punches. I will never forget the way you spoke to me when I just knew I was going to disappoint you. But I didn't, and you surprised me with your loving and unfailing approval and advice. When I mess it up, I don't know how to tell if I really did do it up good, or if it's not that bad and just to let it roll off my wings like a bird in the rain. The day you died, you told Mom some things that have stuck with all of us, "Life is like this. It blows this way, and that way, like the wind. If it's gonna fall apart, just let it fall apart." Ugh... Sorry I rambled again. I feel a lot better now though. I love you Daddy. I always have, and I know you knew that. And I know you loved me.

Jesus, will you please leave this on my Dad's answering machine so he can hear it when you wake him up? Thank you that although I lost my earthly Father you have never left me and will never leave me. I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, Fatherless. I know you showed me that the day of my Dad's memorial. Please teach me to rely on You alone. To look to you for the wisdom my father used to give me. Because after all, it ultimately came from You especially for me anyway. Thank You that You are my comforter. You are my strength. And You know better than my dad did because You know the past and the present and the future. I trust You Jesus. Thank You for the great blessing You gave me, even if it was for a little while. For now, hold me like You always do and sing to me. Then set me on my feet again and walk with me. Thank you that I am never alone. I love you Jesus. I love You.

Fantasy Escape

Insomnia. Lying awake thinking of all the things you would say if you ever had the chance.
Hopelessness. Knowing you will never have that chance.
Insanity. Holding on to something that isn't real, at least not anymore, and making yourself believe that you can make it back there if you just want it bad enough.

We all have a fantasy world. One we create to escape reality. The place we go in our dreams where everything is alright, and nothing is a mess. Or am I alone? Am I the only one? Surely not. And this fantasy world of make-believe is a welcomed and healthy reprieve from this journey called life. But sometimes when reality is too brutal and harsh to deal with, our perfect worlds become a part of us, even during waking hours. And time is wasted wishing it could become reality, but hurting ourselves, knowing that there is no way to get there (this place does not even exist), no way out, and thus falling further into an abyss of hopelessness when looking at the only reality available. The mean one, the hard one, the cold and insufferable one. But then. Somehow, a glimmer of light falls from the sky, so graciously, just when you thought you could not take another breath. And a fresh breeze sweeps across your skin, and the sun warms your face. It's mercy. And just in time. And then, your ever-so-tight grip on this longed-for fantasy world begins to release, and your mind relaxes. Thank you Jesus. Sometimes you just have to let things die so they can come back to life.

Blast From the Past

This is an old post from an old blog that I wanted to re-post here:  :)

So, I was thinking about it the other day and talking it over with my mom and I decided that society's points of view suck. That goes for just about every point of view that I can think of. Why are people so stupid? Why doesn't anybody think for themselves anymore? What happened to individuality? And why does everyone get their panties in a wad when someone decides to step up, say it like it is, and do something completely different from the norm? What is the norm anyway? And who decided to make it the norm? And who gave them the authority to do that? Let's go with the old catch phrase, "If the whole world jumped off a cliff, would you do the same?" But then people have to make it all complicated and ask silly things like well, did they have a parachute? And, if the whole world does it, then they must know something I don't! Or even, will I die when I land? NO! Stop it! Don't complicate it! They jump off and DIE! Because they are all idiots and didn't think for themselves! Because they asked those same stupid questions and believed someone else's answer!

ANYWAY... Now that I'm done ranting, this is what I'm going to do about it! Because what good does it do to complain if you don't get off your tush and move?! (another societal flaw... complacency) So, since I am SO done with the "world", "society", "general public", "everybody else", whatever you want to call it, many outside views that are not my own, telling me what to do, think, say, how to act, and what is acceptable or not, I have decided to ignore it! And in the process, I am going to piss a lot of people off! Namely those that I live with and the ones that have to deal with me on a daily basis. Unless of course they feel the same way I do and embrace the personal change. (Not really a change, just a personal challenge to LIVE!)

You know what holds me back? What keeps me from going forward? Fear. Yup, plain and simple. (Another flaw imposed by society) Fear of being judged. Fear of being talked about and rejected. Fear of people thinking bad about me. Fear of people period. Fear of the unknown, of what could, "possibly" happen. Fear of standing out. Fear of failure. Fear of everything! Everyone wants their lives to go well, so most follow the set out guidelines, right? But not everyone.I don't want to be in that category, "everyone". I am me, Holly Michelle Baldridge Guerrero. Me. Plain and simple. NO MORE FEAR. And that doesn't mean that I won't still fear things, but from now on, I don't want it to hold me back!

I'm sure you have heard the song that says, "I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing.... And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave the forgiveness I'd been denying, And I said someday I hope you get to live, to live like you were dying" I've always listened to that song and loved it, but no! Why is life like that? Why are people like that? Why does everyone wait until they are dying to live? I know the song is trying to stress the fact that you shouldn't wait, and people agree with that idea, and sing the song imagining themselves jummping out of an airplane, but what happens when the song is over? Why can't we learn from other's mistakes? Are we really that stupid as a species? I don't want to get to the end and think about all the mistakes I made and how I would have lived differently. How do I want people to see me? How do I want to be remembered? What legacy do I want to leave for my children and family? Then you know what? That is exactly what I am going to do! That is exactly how I am going to live!

Who tells me that I can't succeed? Who is holding me back from reaching my goals, my ambitions? Who is stopping me from living in bold color? Who tells me "no"? I am the only one who rains on my parade. I am the one adhering to the standards or society. But I CAN do anything that I put my mind to, and you know why? Because I have PASSION, I have FIRE, I have DRIVE and DESIRE. For me things are black or white, right or wrong, here or there, yes or no. There is no gray area, no in between. Because society lays in between, society avoids the extremes, and I gravitate toward them. If they can't be put in one of those categories, it needs to be discarded, plain and simple. We only get one shot, so aim HIGH! Higher than you ever dreamed you could reach and you know what will happen? You will get farther than you thought you could go! Let's be REAL, and not societies standards of "real"...

The moral of the story?
Society is stupid.
I hold myself down.
That's all going to change.

Okay, I'm done!