My Heart Soars Anyway

It's really been awhile since I've posted anything on here, been a little (read: very) busy... So many different things that have been going on in my life recently and it's had me on an emotional and mental roller coaster!  But thankfully my God is unwavering and patient with me, even when I'm on a downward spiral.  I would be so lost without Him to steady my heart.  He is constantly proving His love to me and for me, over and over, and He never ceases to amaze me with the depths of his mercy and knowledge and love.  Haha...  I never see it coming and it always catches me off guard and knocks me off my feet.  But I guess that's the way God is with me.  LOL 'Cause He knows me so well and knows that if I expected it, I would try to work something up... And most times I am so busy trying to "work something up" for whatever situation I happen to find myself in at the moment, that I forget to relax.

I'm definitely not a roll-with-the-punches or fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl!  I'm a thinker, a let's-think-this-through-beginning-to-end, a look-at-the-pros-and-cons, a lets-imagine-possible-outcomes, and THEN make a decision kind of girl... HAHA... That is very tiresome... And most times results in a non-decision anyway, or a started project that never gets finished.  My dad always said that a wrong decision is better than no decision at all.  I believe that in theory, but seldom practice it because, well,  I think too much.

Anyway, God is bigger than my wandering thoughts, and for that I am very thankful.  I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately, since his 5 year anniversary since his death is coming up in a few days on May 9th.  I've tried to remember things that he told me over the years, advice that stands time and spans different situations.  And sometimes I try to imagine what kind of advice he would give me for a particular situation, but even after knowing him my whole life, I still could never predict what he would say to me or how he would react and every time it would be something unexpected.  So this is just a nostalgic, futile effort.

I do miss my dad immensely and I miss that he didn't get to see me grow up.  I was 20 when he died on a motorcycle.  But my heart soars, because one thing he taught all of us is that God is the only one who can raise a phoenix from the ashes... over and over... My heart soars because I am loved, I have love, I was taught love, I love, and I was loved.  My heart soars because I refuse to stay on the ground watching everyone else fly above.  My heart soars because life is a gift.  My heart soars because my actions do not define me.  My heart soars because it is it's nature.  My heart soars because God gave me wings.

And I am thankful.

Fantasy Escape

Insomnia. Lying awake thinking of all the things you would say if you ever had the chance.
Hopelessness. Knowing you will never have that chance.
Insanity. Holding on to something that isn't real, at least not anymore, and making yourself believe that you can make it back there if you just want it bad enough.

We all have a fantasy world. One we create to escape reality. The place we go in our dreams where everything is alright, and nothing is a mess. Or am I alone? Am I the only one? Surely not. And this fantasy world of make-believe is a welcomed and healthy reprieve from this journey called life. But sometimes when reality is too brutal and harsh to deal with, our perfect worlds become a part of us, even during waking hours. And time is wasted wishing it could become reality, but hurting ourselves, knowing that there is no way to get there (this place does not even exist), no way out, and thus falling further into an abyss of hopelessness when looking at the only reality available. The mean one, the hard one, the cold and insufferable one. But then. Somehow, a glimmer of light falls from the sky, so graciously, just when you thought you could not take another breath. And a fresh breeze sweeps across your skin, and the sun warms your face. It's mercy. And just in time. And then, your ever-so-tight grip on this longed-for fantasy world begins to release, and your mind relaxes. Thank you Jesus. Sometimes you just have to let things die so they can come back to life.

Blast From the Past

This is an old post from an old blog that I wanted to re-post here:  :)

So, I was thinking about it the other day and talking it over with my mom and I decided that society's points of view suck. That goes for just about every point of view that I can think of. Why are people so stupid? Why doesn't anybody think for themselves anymore? What happened to individuality? And why does everyone get their panties in a wad when someone decides to step up, say it like it is, and do something completely different from the norm? What is the norm anyway? And who decided to make it the norm? And who gave them the authority to do that? Let's go with the old catch phrase, "If the whole world jumped off a cliff, would you do the same?" But then people have to make it all complicated and ask silly things like well, did they have a parachute? And, if the whole world does it, then they must know something I don't! Or even, will I die when I land? NO! Stop it! Don't complicate it! They jump off and DIE! Because they are all idiots and didn't think for themselves! Because they asked those same stupid questions and believed someone else's answer!

ANYWAY... Now that I'm done ranting, this is what I'm going to do about it! Because what good does it do to complain if you don't get off your tush and move?! (another societal flaw... complacency) So, since I am SO done with the "world", "society", "general public", "everybody else", whatever you want to call it, many outside views that are not my own, telling me what to do, think, say, how to act, and what is acceptable or not, I have decided to ignore it! And in the process, I am going to piss a lot of people off! Namely those that I live with and the ones that have to deal with me on a daily basis. Unless of course they feel the same way I do and embrace the personal change. (Not really a change, just a personal challenge to LIVE!)

You know what holds me back? What keeps me from going forward? Fear. Yup, plain and simple. (Another flaw imposed by society) Fear of being judged. Fear of being talked about and rejected. Fear of people thinking bad about me. Fear of people period. Fear of the unknown, of what could, "possibly" happen. Fear of standing out. Fear of failure. Fear of everything! Everyone wants their lives to go well, so most follow the set out guidelines, right? But not everyone.I don't want to be in that category, "everyone". I am me, Holly Michelle Baldridge Guerrero. Me. Plain and simple. NO MORE FEAR. And that doesn't mean that I won't still fear things, but from now on, I don't want it to hold me back!

I'm sure you have heard the song that says, "I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing.... And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave the forgiveness I'd been denying, And I said someday I hope you get to live, to live like you were dying" I've always listened to that song and loved it, but no! Why is life like that? Why are people like that? Why does everyone wait until they are dying to live? I know the song is trying to stress the fact that you shouldn't wait, and people agree with that idea, and sing the song imagining themselves jummping out of an airplane, but what happens when the song is over? Why can't we learn from other's mistakes? Are we really that stupid as a species? I don't want to get to the end and think about all the mistakes I made and how I would have lived differently. How do I want people to see me? How do I want to be remembered? What legacy do I want to leave for my children and family? Then you know what? That is exactly what I am going to do! That is exactly how I am going to live!

Who tells me that I can't succeed? Who is holding me back from reaching my goals, my ambitions? Who is stopping me from living in bold color? Who tells me "no"? I am the only one who rains on my parade. I am the one adhering to the standards or society. But I CAN do anything that I put my mind to, and you know why? Because I have PASSION, I have FIRE, I have DRIVE and DESIRE. For me things are black or white, right or wrong, here or there, yes or no. There is no gray area, no in between. Because society lays in between, society avoids the extremes, and I gravitate toward them. If they can't be put in one of those categories, it needs to be discarded, plain and simple. We only get one shot, so aim HIGH! Higher than you ever dreamed you could reach and you know what will happen? You will get farther than you thought you could go! Let's be REAL, and not societies standards of "real"...

The moral of the story?
Society is stupid.
I hold myself down.
That's all going to change.

Okay, I'm done!