Jul 15, 2011

Fantasy Escape

Insomnia. Lying awake thinking of all the things you would say if you ever had the chance.
Hopelessness. Knowing you will never have that chance.
Insanity. Holding on to something that isn't real, at least not anymore, and making yourself believe that you can make it back there if you just want it bad enough.

We all have a fantasy world. One we create to escape reality. The place we go in our dreams where everything is alright, and nothing is a mess. Or am I alone? Am I the only one? Surely not. And this fantasy world of make-believe is a welcomed and healthy reprieve from this journey called life. But sometimes when reality is too brutal and harsh to deal with, our perfect worlds become a part of us, even during waking hours. And time is wasted wishing it could become reality, but hurting ourselves, knowing that there is no way to get there (this place does not even exist), no way out, and thus falling further into an abyss of hopelessness when looking at the only reality available. The mean one, the hard one, the cold and insufferable one. But then. Somehow, a glimmer of light falls from the sky, so graciously, just when you thought you could not take another breath. And a fresh breeze sweeps across your skin, and the sun warms your face. It's mercy. And just in time. And then, your ever-so-tight grip on this longed-for fantasy world begins to release, and your mind relaxes. Thank you Jesus. Sometimes you just have to let things die so they can come back to life.

Jul 1, 2011

Forlorn - A Letter to my Daddy

So here I am sending a letter out into the deep abyss of cyberspace hoping somehow it will reach you... Seems kinda silly, huh? Oh well, sometimes healing comes through tears, I guess, and sometimes through the imagination that is strong enough to create diseases and frail enough to take you out of reality into a world of your own making... And this is my world. I just wish that I wasn't so stuck in "reality" that I lose my pipe dreams. That was one thing that we always hated about you. You were a dreamer and no one could ground you. Everything was about plans and the future, going somewhere, being someone, doing something, conquering the world. But we all knew it was a bitter trick, a loathsome feeling, it was hope. And with hope always comes pain when it is yanked out of the sky like a crashing airplane. Our hopes didn't ever fly for very long. Don't get me wrong, they sure flew high, but the higher they flew, the worse the crash. So we learned to stay on the ground and just watch others hope. Sometimes they would take off and we just look on in wonder of how they could have ever made that airplane stay in the sky. And when others around us come crashing down after hoping, we smile a little, remembering the reason we don't go "flying" anymore, and offer condolences and advice that hoping is too dangerous and one should always live in reality, since that is the only real world. And so our lives are such a drastic difference from yours. Not because we aren't your family, not because each of us don't have a piece of your personality, but because we quit flying. We are afraid to fly. And fear is something you never had and that's what made you such a great flyer. I don't think you even noticed when one of your hope "planes" fell out of the sky because by then you had already jumped onto a different one. You never came out of that sky. Even when you died, you were living a dream with your own bike shop! Imagine! Amazing. And all because you dared to dream. Without it, quality of life goes down so dramatically it makes life not worth living. After-all this world can be Hell. Who is capable of living in this reality without going crazy?? I think I'm learning to fly again although Carlos keeps me like a kite, going high and free but always attached to the ground, or some stable weight, so I don't go flying out of control. It's good, but sometimes I wish I could just soar. However you would be proud of me now. You know how I know? Because I'm doing exactly what you told me not to do. :) I am a make-up artist and hair stylist. And of course that is the one profession you made me promise I would never go into, but just you watch, I'm gonna make it to the top. I'm good at it and I really enjoy doing it. And it pays good. I can see you pinching tears. I know you always wanted the best for me and you always loved me. And I am so thankful that God gave me a Daddy like you. And I am so thankful that God loved me through you. And I am so thankful that God still loves me the same way even though you are gone, just sometimes it is a little harder to recognize or see that fatherly love because it isn't in human form. And I am thankful that I still have my Mommy. She is the best and strongest woman I have ever known. She has been through so much and she still has the prettiest smile and most sincere laugh. Sorry I made this so long. I know you have a short attention span. Have a good rest until our Father joins us together again with Him. I love you Daddy. And I miss you. Good bye for now.