Oct 19, 2011

Missing You...

Well Daddy, I'm really missing you again... I don't know why something so little can just bring back a flood of emotions so quickly. I miss you soooooo much. I wish this hole got smaller over time, but it just doesn't. I can cover it up, but sometimes I find myself right in the big middle of it again. And the tears flow... And my heart aches... And I hear your voice... And I see your face... And I just plain miss you. I can't say I just want a hug, although that would be true, because I want more than a hug. I want you back. And that is impossible. At least for right now. I know I will see you again someday, but it will be different then. I need you now. I need your wisdom, your confidence, your strength. Sometimes I still feel like a lost little girl without you here. I just don't know what to do. I am not good at knowing what is the right choice to make, or how to handle a lot of situations.  I'm not good at people, I'm so awkward because I'm just so unsure, always scared to take that step forward because I don't know if it will throw me back several steps. I just remember that you always said, "Even a wrong decision is better than no decision at all." And I'm such a control freak I just don't understand how you were always so good at rolling with the punches. I will never forget the way you spoke to me when I just knew I was going to disappoint you. But I didn't, and you surprised me with your loving and unfailing approval and advice. When I mess it up, I don't know how to tell if I really did do it up good, or if it's not that bad and just to let it roll off my wings like a bird in the rain. The day you died, you told Mom some things that have stuck with all of us, "Life is like this. It blows this way, and that way, like the wind. If it's gonna fall apart, just let it fall apart." Ugh... Sorry I rambled again. I feel a lot better now though. I love you Daddy. I always have, and I know you knew that. And I know you loved me.

Jesus, will you please leave this on my Dad's answering machine so he can hear it when you wake him up? Thank you that although I lost my earthly Father you have never left me and will never leave me. I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, Fatherless. I know you showed me that the day of my Dad's memorial. Please teach me to rely on You alone. To look to you for the wisdom my father used to give me. Because after all, it ultimately came from You especially for me anyway. Thank You that You are my comforter. You are my strength. And You know better than my dad did because You know the past and the present and the future. I trust You Jesus. Thank You for the great blessing You gave me, even if it was for a little while. For now, hold me like You always do and sing to me. Then set me on my feet again and walk with me. Thank you that I am never alone. I love you Jesus. I love You.

Oct 14, 2011

Love's Last Hope

What is Love? How do you know if you are truly "in" or "out" of love? Is love something tangible, or is it all together imagined? Can you love some "thing" or is it exclusive for people? Is there a universal definition that fits all situations and circumstances? Webster's says that love as a verb means: to hold dear or cherish. As a noun, there are so many definitions ranging from common interests to strong affection and kinsman-ship. I wonder though.

Love is such an extraordinary thing that it amazes me that one would even attempt to put a definition to it. It is so uniquely different from person to person. But I do know one thing for sure. I am in love. Whatever that means.

So let's start from the beginning. When we are young, we have preconceived notions of what it means to love someone. And then it happens, that first look, the first electric current runs through your body, first kiss, and you are sunk. You swear that this is love, because it is stronger than any other you have ever felt before, somehow different. But then it dies. And the first death of love, the first love, is the most violent. It rips your heart out, tears it in to little pieces and spits it back in your face. Was that love? If so I don't want to ever have to go through that again! And a piece of you dies along with it. A little bit of innocence goes up in flames, and for the first time you taste the bitterness of a love lost. And you move on. And you grow up. And you start to mature and see life for what it really is; that veil has been thrown aside, or at the least it is now transparent. Love sucks.

As you grow and the years pass, you begin to realize that it was really a blessing in disguise, albeit a painful one. Without it, you would have continued to believe and see the world through rose colored lenses. Now you see reality. And you question: Was it love? But far more often you will find that the answer is no. No, not love. It was passion. And passion can be a fierce and violent force, more than any other that exists. But it seems to always die with the same intensity that it was born. So then is that it? If it was passion, what is love?

Passion is the beginning you see... Without passion, there would be no attraction, and without attraction, a relationship of intimate form would never be established. But passion alone will never survive, and since passion almost always seems to have the intensity of fire, we have to be aware that fires always die out. And look at the mess they leave behind.

But Love comes from passion. Passion is the bud on a tree, a flower, beautiful in it's season, and vibrant. But eventually it withers and dies. And it leaves behind a seed. Now if that seed gets covered up by the ashes, it will not grow, as happens with most first loves. But if it finds a good ground beneath it, it can take root and grow. And when it grows it starts slow, beneath the surface, and that's why it is seemingly unnoticed, but it will be strong. And then it sprouts, but at this point who knows what it could be. It may be a weed that needs to be pulled, but only because it has not yet taken form. The years pass and steadily it increases. Of course there will always be times of drought that may hold it back, but only for a season. Love is persistent. Love is strong. Love is grounded. Love is slow. And even, Love most of the time can be boring, mundane, colorless, and sometimes unsightly. It is a tree after-all. But that tree, when taken care of, watered and painfully pruned, will continue to grow and grown until it is a mighty tree, big and strong, unshaken with a strong and deep foundation.

That's what love is. It is selfless, as a tree does not bear fruit for it's own benefit, but for the one whom consumes it. Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Feelings fall under the passion category. And though passion is an essential part of love, it is not the main component. Being "in love" is temporary because as soon as the lover turns his back, you are suddenly "out of love" with the same person to whom who whispered promises of forever. A real lover, a true lover seeks only the benefit and never the burden of the loved. no matter the price. True love is something cultivated only by time and tested by patience.

I love and am loved. Not because I am a great human being, but because God is great.

I Corinthians 13:4-13 (This is how we are loved)

     Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it's own way; it is not irritable it resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put away childish ways. for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I will know full, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Romans 5:5 (This is why we love)

And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.