Missing You...

Well Daddy, I'm really missing you again... I don't know why something so little can just bring back a flood of emotions so quickly. I miss you soooooo much. I wish this hole got smaller over time, but it just doesn't. I can cover it up, but sometimes I find myself right in the big middle of it again. And the tears flow... And my heart aches... And I hear your voice... And I see your face... And I just plain miss you. I can't say I just want a hug, although that would be true, because I want more than a hug. I want you back. And that is impossible. At least for right now. I know I will see you again someday, but it will be different then. I need you now. I need your wisdom, your confidence, your strength. Sometimes I still feel like a lost little girl without you here. I just don't know what to do. I am not good at knowing what is the right choice to make, or how to handle a lot of situations.  I'm not good at people, I'm so awkward because I'm just so unsure, always scared to take that step forward because I don't know if it will throw me back several steps. I just remember that you always said, "Even a wrong decision is better than no decision at all." And I'm such a control freak I just don't understand how you were always so good at rolling with the punches. I will never forget the way you spoke to me when I just knew I was going to disappoint you. But I didn't, and you surprised me with your loving and unfailing approval and advice. When I mess it up, I don't know how to tell if I really did do it up good, or if it's not that bad and just to let it roll off my wings like a bird in the rain. The day you died, you told Mom some things that have stuck with all of us, "Life is like this. It blows this way, and that way, like the wind. If it's gonna fall apart, just let it fall apart." Ugh... Sorry I rambled again. I feel a lot better now though. I love you Daddy. I always have, and I know you knew that. And I know you loved me.

Jesus, will you please leave this on my Dad's answering machine so he can hear it when you wake him up? Thank you that although I lost my earthly Father you have never left me and will never leave me. I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, Fatherless. I know you showed me that the day of my Dad's memorial. Please teach me to rely on You alone. To look to you for the wisdom my father used to give me. Because after all, it ultimately came from You especially for me anyway. Thank You that You are my comforter. You are my strength. And You know better than my dad did because You know the past and the present and the future. I trust You Jesus. Thank You for the great blessing You gave me, even if it was for a little while. For now, hold me like You always do and sing to me. Then set me on my feet again and walk with me. Thank you that I am never alone. I love you Jesus. I love You.