Jul 26, 2013

Up in Smoke...

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile...  My life started to derail, and I have been out of motivation for, well, anything, for several months.  I guess I could go back and catch you all up on what's been going on, but I don't have the patience or energy for that much thought at this point.  So... I can start from today.  And that will have to be enough until I can gather myself together enough to put words to paper.

Just when I thought our immigration journey (nightmare, really) was coming to a close, there it goes, up in smoke.  More dreams shattered.  Like broken glass, laying on the floor.  And all I can do is stand and stare at it, willing it to gather itself together and magically be whole again.  But the longer I stand and stare, the more frustrated and distraught I become.  I can't bring myself to sweep it up and throw it away because I wanted it so badly, and even though it's broken and useless, I just leave it there on the floor and try to step around it because I know stepping on it will cause me pain and bleeding.  Even cleaning it up poses some threat of getting those horrible, invisible shards stuck in an inconvenient place, which could cause reddening and infection...  So I do nothing.  I'm incapable of making a decision regarding the brokenness of my heart; I just sit and cry.

Circumstances would seem to point to Mexico.  The situation seems impossible.  It's too big for me.  There is nothing anyone can do at this point; the damage is irreversible.  Carlos is currently in custody, with an immigration hold.  They don't want to let him out.  We already did this once, but they were kind and merciful and released him to his family.  Not this time.  This is very bad for his appeal, which is 6 months max from being decided upon.  Our wonderful immigration attorney, Maria McIntyre, said they will probably hold him until that final decision is made, whether he will be deported or granted his US Residency.  But it doesn't look good.  It could be over as early as November, but that just means Carlos will be in Mexico a few months earlier.

All I want is to be with my husband again.  I want my family to be whole.  My heart is lost because it's only half here.  The other half is with him.  My son is 4 now, and he misses his Papa so much.  He will randomly cry for Papa after a fit of defiance, and then ask impossible questions like, "Mommy, why are some kids Papas in jail?  Mommy, why do some post (police) officers take some kids Papas to jail?  Mommy, why some kids don't have their Papas at home?"  And my heart breaks for him; I have no answers for his innocent pleas.  He doesn't understand, he just knows things are not as they have been or should be.

Finally, yesterday, I decided I will accept the seemingly inevitable, and prepare myself to move permanently to Mexico, try to get excited about it even, and I found, it makes things a lot easier on my heart.  Because I love my family, and I want us to be wherever God is leading us to go, and if that place happens to be Mexico, then that's where I want to be. This won't be an easy transition for us by any means, and I know I will have my fits over it, because it isn't the future I saw myself living, or the one I imagined for my children, but then, when does life ever turn out the way anyone expected?

For now, I am here, with my two littles.  And I have enough grace for today.  Only today.  I can't worry about tomorrow because I don't know what it will bring yet.  Worrying about yesterday doesn't change anything.  But today, right now, I am cradled in God's arms and He knows exactly where I am, where I came from, and where I am going, and He is around every corner, at the bottom of every ditch, knowing what is coming and what I need for today.  And He gives me enough.  Today I am blessed and loved and being prepared for the fullness of my life, the purpose for which God has created and called me, and that is not limited by country borders, it is only limited in Him.  And that's where I want to be anyway.