Is He Really that Good?

I wish I had more time to write...  My life is so busy.  If you have little children, then you well know how taking care of them alone is a full-time job, but when you are doing it alone, the extra responsibilities of working and all the little things that add up to major time-eaters, definitely keep a woman and mommy BUSY!  I am currently sitting here writing with a nursing baby in my lap.  She was sick all week with some kind of cough/throw up/fever thing and has been in Mama's lap every second she can.  My room is a wreck...  I washed clothes last Saturday, more than a week ago now, and they still sit folded in the laundry baskets, lol.  I've been to the store about 3 times this weekend because my head is in so many places, that I can't get it together and remember everything I needed.  And I will still have to go again this afternoon because I forgot to remember that we will have to eat this coming week too, haha...  Oh the joy!

But I'm happy.  I don't know if I've ever felt this much joy and peace.  I'm at rest, despite the fact that my surroundings might suggest otherwise.  I'm excited and full of anticipation for what is to come in our lives!


There is so much good that has gone on, true miracles that I didn't know if I would ever see that I would love to share, but it's not mine to share so publicly so soon.  Later on I'll be able to post it.  :)

What I can say, and it's really the only important part anyway, is God is so good.  He is so good to me, so good to my husband, so good to my family.  I know that he has plans for us in Mexico, and I can't wait to walk in them.

He has had me in such a place of peace and joy, just so wrapped in his love, that I feel and experience it in a way that I never have before.  It's like...  I always had the right answers to the tough questions, and "knew" that God was my loving father instead of an angry judge, but I lived my life and expected those around me to live by the "right" set of rules.  And now I know that this was actually evidence of the fact that it was only head knowledge and symptoms of the unexperienced truth of God's character. It was rhetoric.  Man, I had no idea what it meant to know God's love.  And it's like... He didn't just show me, he overwhelmed me.  Overwhelmed me with his presence, with his embrace.  I don't know how else to explain it...  Except to say, God is so good.  And that is a major understatement.

He showed me his love first in an experiential way, just a comfort and rest in knowing he was taking care of me, and revealing to me how sweet and what a blessing these last 8 months have truly been.  And it was enough.  It was more than enough.  It was glorious.  Then, he started actually taking care of things.  Money is tight and I was just making it before we found out we would be moving to Mexico.  Add on top of that plane tickets, passports, finishing paying off our immigration attorney, vet visits, survival money for Carlos until he gets a job, and another million seemingly endless things that you don't think about think about until it's time to go, and time-eaters, like driving back and forth THREE times to the passport office because of distraction and lack of paperwork.  Like having to find a way to sell or give away a house full of items that have been accumulated over the course of a lifetime, piddly things and sentimental things.  But in the end, they are just things.

Anyway, so Carlos and I decided we would sell my car without fixing it, since I can't take it with me, and I've been without it for the last 8 months anyway, it just wasn't worth it to come up with the money to fix it, only to then have to turn around and sell it.  Just minor issues, something that anyone remotely handy around a car could fix in a matter of an hour or so, but unfortunately, I am NOT technically minded, haha.  But the thought of selling the car was so daunting!  How do I do it?  What do I say?  How do I explain what the problem is if I don't even understand it myself?  So I sat on it for a few days, and then, out of the blue, I get a phone call from my niece (the car was being stored at her house) saying that she woke up to a note on the windshield of her car.  A name and phone number of someone who drove by, saw the car, and was interested in buying it!  And he paid exactly what I had in mind to sell it for!  God.  It was just God.  He took all the "work" out of that, and just blessed us.  Hopefully, my car will be a blessing to the man who bought it; it sure has been one to me all these years.

Before deciding to sell the car, I had received a message from a friend that someone was going to anonymously donate money to our Mexico trip and needs!  WHAT?!  And it was exactly the amount I had calculated needing in order to get everything done.  Look, I really hate talking about money, it just makes me really uncomfortable, always has, so I avoid it at all costs.  But, WHAT?!  Unfortunately, despite my aversion to the subject, it is necessary in this world.  And my heavenly father knows that.  He didn't make me scrape and scrounge and beg (although I have before), he just ...gave it to me... and he is so good.  To be honest, I am really glad it was "anonymous" because I would have a really hard time being face-to-face with that person(s), lol, just because, well, I don't know, it's weird.  God is soooooo good.  He just is.  And not because of his benefits, but because of his relationship.

Am I getting too mushy?  I don't want to be, as I really am not too much of an emotional person, but there just isn't another way to express it than this.  And it's really awesome when God makes things so apparent, when he takes all the guess work out of it.  I don't "deserve" any of this.  I didn't work for it, thank God, that's too much pressure, and I don't handle "expectations" too well.  Now if HE wants to do all the work for me?  Go right ahead, you do it, you change my heart, you make it happen in me and for me.  You be my Daddy, a Daddy who cares for his daughters, his sons.  More than I care for mine.  Now that's a thought... A scripture comes to my mind a lot lately,

"And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.  And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.  Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images.  You will scatter them as unclean things.  You will say to them, "Be gone!"  And he will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous...  You shall have a song as in the night when a holy feast is kept, and gladness of heart, as when one sets out to the sound of the flute to go to the mountain of the Lord, to the Rock of Israel."
          -Isaiah 30:20-23, 29

Again, a super long post, sorry about that.  Maybe if I posted more often they wouldn't be so long, but alas, life calls... and children... and responsibilities... but this post has been running through my mind for a few weeks now, and I just had to get it out.

Love you all.

The Great {IN}Justice System

Today is January 3rd.  The last day available to appeal the judge's last decision to remove Carlos from the great USofA.  And, of course, we won't, that was already decided, but now that it's here, they are free to come pick up Carlos and put him on a very long bus ride "home."

"Home" seems a strange word to relate to a place I barely am even acquainted with, but I'm sure I will come to love it.  I do love Mexico already.  I always wanted to live 100 years ago, and well, in some ways, this grants that request.  Of course Mexico isn't all antiquated, they have cars and cell phones, internet and TV, but the style of living from 100 years ago continues, only it coexists with modern technology.  It's a strange relationship to me, but one that I will come to know well.  I look forward to learning my new environment, new customs, new "norms" although I usually go against them anyway.

I am a little frustrated (to say the least) with the way this whole thing has gone, though.  And to think that "justice was served" is quite maddening.  How is it just?  What defines justice?  A hard-working man, taken away from his family indefinitely, sent back to his "country of origin" without the least regard toward his wife and children, who by the way are US Citizens, is thrown away, and we call this justice because he was never supposed to have been here in the first place.  So what then?  Is it better to throw away one man who didn't belong, and sacrifice three of it's own citizens?  Is it just for my own country to have betrayed me and my children?  This "Land of Opportunity"?

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free;
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless,
Tempest-tossed to me
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame is the imprisoned lightning,
And her name, Mother of Exiles.
From her beacon-hand glows world-wide welcome;
Her mild eyes command the air-bridged harbor
That twin cities frame.
"Keep, Ancient Lands, your storied pomp!"
Cries she with silent lips.

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free;
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless,
Tempest-tossed to me
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

And Life Goes On

It seems like it always takes me a little while to process new information before I can accept that it is a reality...

These last seven months have really dragged.  I've felt like my life has been suspended in mid-air, no moving forward or backward, just frozen in time, full of anticipation, fear, dread, hope, and even some excitement at times, of what lies in store for us.  I've wanted to prepare to move my family to Mexico, so that I would be ready at the drop of a hat, but I never could bring myself to actually do anything about it, because I still clung, and wanted to cling, to the hope of staying stateside.

It's not that I dislike Mexico, by any means; I just wanted to have a choice, a say in the matter,some semblance of control over my own future.  But maturity and experience have taught me that it was a choice I made when I said "I do," and I'm okay with that.  The thought of living in Mexico is a bit daunting, though, because I am not Mexican, I have never lived anywhere else than right here, in this same 25 mile radius, my whole 27 years of life.  There are so many variables and unknowns that I can't find the solution in my head (oh, that's my inner math geek showing, don't mind her...).

Up in Smoke...

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile...  My life started to derail, and I have been out of motivation for, well, anything, for several months.  I guess I could go back and catch you all up on what's been going on, but I don't have the patience or energy for that much thought at this point.  So... I can start from today.  And that will have to be enough until I can gather myself together enough to put words to paper.

Just when I thought our immigration journey (nightmare, really) was coming to a close, there it goes, up in smoke.  More dreams shattered.  Like broken glass, laying on the floor.  And all I can do is stand and stare at it, willing it to gather itself together and magically be whole again.  But the longer I stand and stare, the more frustrated and distraught I become.  I can't bring myself to sweep it up and throw it away because I wanted it so badly, and even though it's broken and useless, I just leave it there on the floor and try to step around it because I know stepping on it will cause me pain and bleeding.  Even cleaning it up poses some threat of getting those horrible, invisible shards stuck in an inconvenient place, which could cause reddening and infection...  So I do nothing.  I'm incapable of making a decision regarding the brokenness of my heart; I just sit and cry.

Circumstances would seem to point to Mexico.  The situation seems impossible.  It's too big for me.  There is nothing anyone can do at this point; the damage is irreversible.  Carlos is currently in custody, with an immigration hold.  They don't want to let him out.  We already did this once, but they were kind and merciful and released him to his family.  Not this time.  This is very bad for his appeal, which is 6 months max from being decided upon.  Our wonderful immigration attorney, Maria McIntyre, said they will probably hold him until that final decision is made, whether he will be deported or granted his US Residency.  But it doesn't look good.  It could be over as early as November, but that just means Carlos will be in Mexico a few months earlier.

All I want is to be with my husband again.  I want my family to be whole.  My heart is lost because it's only half here.  The other half is with him.  My son is 4 now, and he misses his Papa so much.  He will randomly cry for Papa after a fit of defiance, and then ask impossible questions like, "Mommy, why are some kids Papas in jail?  Mommy, why do some post (police) officers take some kids Papas to jail?  Mommy, why some kids don't have their Papas at home?"  And my heart breaks for him; I have no answers for his innocent pleas.  He doesn't understand, he just knows things are not as they have been or should be.

Finally, yesterday, I decided I will accept the seemingly inevitable, and prepare myself to move permanently to Mexico, try to get excited about it even, and I found, it makes things a lot easier on my heart.  Because I love my family, and I want us to be wherever God is leading us to go, and if that place happens to be Mexico, then that's where I want to be. This won't be an easy transition for us by any means, and I know I will have my fits over it, because it isn't the future I saw myself living, or the one I imagined for my children, but then, when does life ever turn out the way anyone expected?

For now, I am here, with my two littles.  And I have enough grace for today.  Only today.  I can't worry about tomorrow because I don't know what it will bring yet.  Worrying about yesterday doesn't change anything.  But today, right now, I am cradled in God's arms and He knows exactly where I am, where I came from, and where I am going, and He is around every corner, at the bottom of every ditch, knowing what is coming and what I need for today.  And He gives me enough.  Today I am blessed and loved and being prepared for the fullness of my life, the purpose for which God has created and called me, and that is not limited by country borders, it is only limited in Him.  And that's where I want to be anyway.

My Heart Soars Anyway

It's really been awhile since I've posted anything on here, been a little (read: very) busy... So many different things that have been going on in my life recently and it's had me on an emotional and mental roller coaster!  But thankfully my God is unwavering and patient with me, even when I'm on a downward spiral.  I would be so lost without Him to steady my heart.  He is constantly proving His love to me and for me, over and over, and He never ceases to amaze me with the depths of his mercy and knowledge and love.  Haha...  I never see it coming and it always catches me off guard and knocks me off my feet.  But I guess that's the way God is with me.  LOL 'Cause He knows me so well and knows that if I expected it, I would try to work something up... And most times I am so busy trying to "work something up" for whatever situation I happen to find myself in at the moment, that I forget to relax.

I'm definitely not a roll-with-the-punches or fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl!  I'm a thinker, a let's-think-this-through-beginning-to-end, a look-at-the-pros-and-cons, a lets-imagine-possible-outcomes, and THEN make a decision kind of girl... HAHA... That is very tiresome... And most times results in a non-decision anyway, or a started project that never gets finished.  My dad always said that a wrong decision is better than no decision at all.  I believe that in theory, but seldom practice it because, well,  I think too much.

Anyway, God is bigger than my wandering thoughts, and for that I am very thankful.  I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately, since his 5 year anniversary since his death is coming up in a few days on May 9th.  I've tried to remember things that he told me over the years, advice that stands time and spans different situations.  And sometimes I try to imagine what kind of advice he would give me for a particular situation, but even after knowing him my whole life, I still could never predict what he would say to me or how he would react and every time it would be something unexpected.  So this is just a nostalgic, futile effort.

I do miss my dad immensely and I miss that he didn't get to see me grow up.  I was 20 when he died on a motorcycle.  But my heart soars, because one thing he taught all of us is that God is the only one who can raise a phoenix from the ashes... over and over... My heart soars because I am loved, I have love, I was taught love, I love, and I was loved.  My heart soars because I refuse to stay on the ground watching everyone else fly above.  My heart soars because life is a gift.  My heart soars because my actions do not define me.  My heart soars because it is it's nature.  My heart soars because God gave me wings.

And I am thankful.

Love's Last Hope

What is Love? How do you know if you are truly "in" or "out" of love? Is love something tangible, or is it all together imagined? Can you love some "thing" or is it exclusive for people? Is there a universal definition that fits all situations and circumstances? Webster's says that love as a verb means: to hold dear or cherish. As a noun, there are so many definitions ranging from common interests to strong affection and kinsman-ship. I wonder though.

Love is such an extraordinary thing that it amazes me that one would even attempt to put a definition to it. It is so uniquely different from person to person. But I do know one thing for sure. I am in love. Whatever that means.

So let's start from the beginning. When we are young, we have preconceived notions of what it means to love someone. And then it happens, that first look, the first electric current runs through your body, first kiss, and you are sunk. You swear that this is love, because it is stronger than any other you have ever felt before, somehow different. But then it dies. And the first death of love, the first love, is the most violent. It rips your heart out, tears it in to little pieces and spits it back in your face. Was that love? If so I don't want to ever have to go through that again! And a piece of you dies along with it. A little bit of innocence goes up in flames, and for the first time you taste the bitterness of a love lost. And you move on. And you grow up. And you start to mature and see life for what it really is; that veil has been thrown aside, or at the least it is now transparent. Love sucks.

As you grow and the years pass, you begin to realize that it was really a blessing in disguise, albeit a painful one. Without it, you would have continued to believe and see the world through rose colored lenses. Now you see reality. And you question: Was it love? But far more often you will find that the answer is no. No, not love. It was passion. And passion can be a fierce and violent force, more than any other that exists. But it seems to always die with the same intensity that it was born. So then is that it? If it was passion, what is love?

Passion is the beginning you see... Without passion, there would be no attraction, and without attraction, a relationship of intimate form would never be established. But passion alone will never survive, and since passion almost always seems to have the intensity of fire, we have to be aware that fires always die out. And look at the mess they leave behind.

But Love comes from passion. Passion is the bud on a tree, a flower, beautiful in it's season, and vibrant. But eventually it withers and dies. And it leaves behind a seed. Now if that seed gets covered up by the ashes, it will not grow, as happens with most first loves. But if it finds a good ground beneath it, it can take root and grow. And when it grows it starts slow, beneath the surface, and that's why it is seemingly unnoticed, but it will be strong. And then it sprouts, but at this point who knows what it could be. It may be a weed that needs to be pulled, but only because it has not yet taken form. The years pass and steadily it increases. Of course there will always be times of drought that may hold it back, but only for a season. Love is persistent. Love is strong. Love is grounded. Love is slow. And even, Love most of the time can be boring, mundane, colorless, and sometimes unsightly. It is a tree after-all. But that tree, when taken care of, watered and painfully pruned, will continue to grow and grown until it is a mighty tree, big and strong, unshaken with a strong and deep foundation.

That's what love is. It is selfless, as a tree does not bear fruit for it's own benefit, but for the one whom consumes it. Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Feelings fall under the passion category. And though passion is an essential part of love, it is not the main component. Being "in love" is temporary because as soon as the lover turns his back, you are suddenly "out of love" with the same person to whom who whispered promises of forever. A real lover, a true lover seeks only the benefit and never the burden of the loved. no matter the price. True love is something cultivated only by time and tested by patience.

I love and am loved. Not because I am a great human being, but because God is great.

I Corinthians 13:4-13 (This is how we are loved)

     Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it's own way; it is not irritable it resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put away childish ways. for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I will know full, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Romans 5:5 (This is why we love)

And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Fantasy Escape

Insomnia. Lying awake thinking of all the things you would say if you ever had the chance.
Hopelessness. Knowing you will never have that chance.
Insanity. Holding on to something that isn't real, at least not anymore, and making yourself believe that you can make it back there if you just want it bad enough.

We all have a fantasy world. One we create to escape reality. The place we go in our dreams where everything is alright, and nothing is a mess. Or am I alone? Am I the only one? Surely not. And this fantasy world of make-believe is a welcomed and healthy reprieve from this journey called life. But sometimes when reality is too brutal and harsh to deal with, our perfect worlds become a part of us, even during waking hours. And time is wasted wishing it could become reality, but hurting ourselves, knowing that there is no way to get there (this place does not even exist), no way out, and thus falling further into an abyss of hopelessness when looking at the only reality available. The mean one, the hard one, the cold and insufferable one. But then. Somehow, a glimmer of light falls from the sky, so graciously, just when you thought you could not take another breath. And a fresh breeze sweeps across your skin, and the sun warms your face. It's mercy. And just in time. And then, your ever-so-tight grip on this longed-for fantasy world begins to release, and your mind relaxes. Thank you Jesus. Sometimes you just have to let things die so they can come back to life.