And Life Goes On

It seems like it always takes me a little while to process new information before I can accept that it is a reality...

These last seven months have really dragged.  I've felt like my life has been suspended in mid-air, no moving forward or backward, just frozen in time, full of anticipation, fear, dread, hope, and even some excitement at times, of what lies in store for us.  I've wanted to prepare to move my family to Mexico, so that I would be ready at the drop of a hat, but I never could bring myself to actually do anything about it, because I still clung, and wanted to cling, to the hope of staying stateside.

It's not that I dislike Mexico, by any means; I just wanted to have a choice, a say in the matter,some semblance of control over my own future.  But maturity and experience have taught me that it was a choice I made when I said "I do," and I'm okay with that.  The thought of living in Mexico is a bit daunting, though, because I am not Mexican, I have never lived anywhere else than right here, in this same 25 mile radius, my whole 27 years of life.  There are so many variables and unknowns that I can't find the solution in my head (oh, that's my inner math geek showing, don't mind her...).

Confessions

It has been several months since my last post, but I have been thinking about jumping back on here and posting again.  I have had some time to acclimate myself to the situation I am in, and I have become numb to the pain I felt when I wrote my last post.

I went back and re-read it, and I had almost forgotten the sharpness of the pain I felt at that point, the way I sat in front of the computer in tears as I put my heart to paper.  But now...  It's different...  I'm okay...  I have peace...  It's not any easier, because Carlos still isn't here.  But he isn't gone either.  And I'm not alone, although some days I still feel that way.  Life keeps going and moving, and stops for no man.  I have learned that through experience, first when my father passed away in 2007, and now when my husband has been taken from me for a period of time.  It just takes awhile to remember that you do indeed know how to breathe, that you are capable of putting one foot in front of the other, and living life has become so second nature, that you will continue to move and grow, even if only reluctantly...

When I started this blog, or started writing semi-regularly anyway, I was so high on life, with a new baby, new mother of two, learning the joys of having a boy and a girl, a big kid and a baby, watching my husband ogle over our new daughter, busy making Christmas presents for the WHOLE family...  and my posts reflected that.  I won't say that I wasn't real, but I will admit I was shallow in my blogging.  I want to be more transparent, especially because that is something that is so hard for me to do, but something I crave with all my heart, something I long to feel: openness.

And that's what I'm going to try to do.  Be open and honest about me and my life, and maybe you can relate, maybe you care, maybe not.  But this is my blog and that's my prerogative, haha...  To my family and friends:  thanks for being there for me.  I love you all so much more than you know.


Holly