May 7, 2012

My Heart Soars Anyway

It's really been awhile since I've posted anything on here, been a little (read: very) busy... So many different things that have been going on in my life recently and it's had me on an emotional and mental roller coaster!  But thankfully my God is unwavering and patient with me, even when I'm on a downward spiral.  I would be so lost without Him to steady my heart.  He is constantly proving His love to me and for me, over and over, and He never ceases to amaze me with the depths of his mercy and knowledge and love.  Haha...  I never see it coming and it always catches me off guard and knocks me off my feet.  But I guess that's the way God is with me.  LOL 'Cause He knows me so well and knows that if I expected it, I would try to work something up... And most times I am so busy trying to "work something up" for whatever situation I happen to find myself in at the moment, that I forget to relax.

I'm definitely not a roll-with-the-punches or fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl!  I'm a thinker, a let's-think-this-through-beginning-to-end, a look-at-the-pros-and-cons, a lets-imagine-possible-outcomes, and THEN make a decision kind of girl... HAHA... That is very tiresome... And most times results in a non-decision anyway, or a started project that never gets finished.  My dad always said that a wrong decision is better than no decision at all.  I believe that in theory, but seldom practice it because, well,  I think too much.

Anyway, God is bigger than my wandering thoughts, and for that I am very thankful.  I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately, since his 5 year anniversary since his death is coming up in a few days on May 9th.  I've tried to remember things that he told me over the years, advice that stands time and spans different situations.  And sometimes I try to imagine what kind of advice he would give me for a particular situation, but even after knowing him my whole life, I still could never predict what he would say to me or how he would react and every time it would be something unexpected.  So this is just a nostalgic, futile effort.

I do miss my dad immensely and I miss that he didn't get to see me grow up.  I was 20 when he died on a motorcycle.  But my heart soars, because one thing he taught all of us is that God is the only one who can raise a phoenix from the ashes... over and over... My heart soars because I am loved, I have love, I was taught love, I love, and I was loved.  My heart soars because I refuse to stay on the ground watching everyone else fly above.  My heart soars because life is a gift.  My heart soars because my actions do not define me.  My heart soars because it is it's nature.  My heart soars because God gave me wings.

And I am thankful.