Dec 26, 2013


Okay, so it is Christmas Day, but just barely. 2:15am, lol. I just made a Christmas post, and I didn't want to be a downer to anyone, so I left it upbeat, and decided I would write this and save it as a draft and publish it in a few days. :)

All these holidays and birthdays are really making me sad and dragging me down. It's a time to be with family and celebrate life and love and all the good things, but without Carlos here, it makes it hard. I feel like we should be doing this together. And although I trudge on through, the children should not have to suffer through a mommy who isn't good at coping and it weighs on my heart. I feel like he is missing out on all these precious moments and I have to enjoy them doubly so he can absorb those experiences from me when our family is reunited. I want to represent him to the children until he comes home, so they know he is always present, or at least wants to be more than anything in the world. But I fail. Epically. I am so terrible at being Mother AND Father. Super kudos to all you single mothers who do it everyday. Carlos and I have discussed what we would do if we ever found ourselves in the position of losing the other and having to raise the kids alone. And we both agreed that we would incorporate as much of the other person into our customs and ways of raising the children as much as possible. Thankfully, I haven't lost him, just temporarily, but I really sucked at that! Ha! I can't be Carlos to the children. I am too busy struggling to be me and too preoccupied with doing the very best that I can to make sure they don't grow up too dysfunctional due to all of my shortcomings. All I can do is pray that there was some purpose in God's plan and that they will be blessed and blessings as they become adults, that God will shield them from absorbing anything that doesn't benefit them and make them sponges to the good things he provides. Giancarlo and Carmen-Elena are so very precious to my heart. I guess being a mom teaches you how much you don't know and how incapable you are of handling life, haha, but then once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself through GC's eyes and it never fails to amaze me. Without fail it will happen when I am doubting myself or being super hard on myself for some other epic failure, and he will look at me and say, "Yes you can Mommy, I know you can! You can do anything! I trust you." And just like that, I'm reminded that the things I allow to grow and overwhelm my mind are not as big as I imagined. I take myself way too seriously most times. My dad used to always say not to take life too seriously, because no one gets out alive anyway, life's a bitch and then you die, haha... Anyway, I'm rambling now. That's normal, just so you know... :)

The point of all this? Eh... I'm just feeling nostalgic. :) It gets better! I know! Just hang in there with me. Soon this will all be a distant memory, a precipice in ours lives, a time of spiritual growth and maturity for both of us. I'm thankful for it already, because although it has been hard, this has been a time of grace. Grace has been measured to me in abundance, and Carlos has found grace, maybe for the first time ever, I don't know. I am blessed beyond measure, and I have peace about our upcoming move to Mexico. Thank you all for your continued prayers. I love you all.


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