Nostalgia

Okay, so it is Christmas Day, but just barely. 2:15am, lol. I just made a Christmas post, and I didn't want to be a downer to anyone, so I left it upbeat, and decided I would write this and save it as a draft and publish it in a few days. :)

All these holidays and birthdays are really making me sad and dragging me down. It's a time to be with family and celebrate life and love and all the good things, but without Carlos here, it makes it hard. I feel like we should be doing this together. And although I trudge on through, the children should not have to suffer through a mommy who isn't good at coping and it weighs on my heart. I feel like he is missing out on all these precious moments and I have to enjoy them doubly so he can absorb those experiences from me when our family is reunited. I want to represent him to the children until he comes home, so they know he is always present, or at least wants to be more than anything in the world. But I fail. Epically. I am so terrible at being Mother AND Father. Super kudos to all you single mothers who do it everyday. Carlos and I have discussed what we would do if we ever found ourselves in the position of losing the other and having to raise the kids alone. And we both agreed that we would incorporate as much of the other person into our customs and ways of raising the children as much as possible. Thankfully, I haven't lost him, just temporarily, but I really sucked at that! Ha! I can't be Carlos to the children. I am too busy struggling to be me and too preoccupied with doing the very best that I can to make sure they don't grow up too dysfunctional due to all of my shortcomings. All I can do is pray that there was some purpose in God's plan and that they will be blessed and blessings as they become adults, that God will shield them from absorbing anything that doesn't benefit them and make them sponges to the good things he provides. Giancarlo and Carmen-Elena are so very precious to my heart. I guess being a mom teaches you how much you don't know and how incapable you are of handling life, haha, but then once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself through GC's eyes and it never fails to amaze me. Without fail it will happen when I am doubting myself or being super hard on myself for some other epic failure, and he will look at me and say, "Yes you can Mommy, I know you can! You can do anything! I trust you." And just like that, I'm reminded that the things I allow to grow and overwhelm my mind are not as big as I imagined. I take myself way too seriously most times. My dad used to always say not to take life too seriously, because no one gets out alive anyway, life's a bitch and then you die, haha... Anyway, I'm rambling now. That's normal, just so you know... :)

The point of all this? Eh... I'm just feeling nostalgic. :) It gets better! I know! Just hang in there with me. Soon this will all be a distant memory, a precipice in ours lives, a time of spiritual growth and maturity for both of us. I'm thankful for it already, because although it has been hard, this has been a time of grace. Grace has been measured to me in abundance, and Carlos has found grace, maybe for the first time ever, I don't know. I am blessed beyond measure, and I have peace about our upcoming move to Mexico. Thank you all for your continued prayers. I love you all.



Holly

A Very Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

It is 2am, and GC just fell asleep, finally. Tomorrow (well, technically later today) is Christmas, and we will spend it with family, good food, and hopefully some wine thrown in there too. :) I didn't get any presents for either of the kids this year, it just feels weird without Carlos here. We didn't make a big deal out of GC's birthday, Nena's birthday, my birthday, Thanksgiving (except with Carlos' family because Abuelita was in town). I know my kids will still get a few gifts from my family, so I'm not worried about GC feeling left out. I will be picking up a Buzz Lightyear bike with training wheels for GC later this week, so I am super excited about that! He is gonna love it! That was originally going to be his gift, but I couldn't get it coordinated in time.

Christmas isn't all about gifts though, and I don't want to instill materialism in my children. After all, the most precious gift you can give anyone is your time. This is a lesson that has really been driven home lately. So if you have your family close, hug them and kiss them, cherish the moments you have, because it is the little, ordinary moments that you miss when you don't. I can't wait to have my family again! It is so close I can taste it, and the suspense is exciting!



Merry Christmas everyone!
The Guerreros

And Life Goes On

It seems like it always takes me a little while to process new information before I can accept that it is a reality...

These last seven months have really dragged.  I've felt like my life has been suspended in mid-air, no moving forward or backward, just frozen in time, full of anticipation, fear, dread, hope, and even some excitement at times, of what lies in store for us.  I've wanted to prepare to move my family to Mexico, so that I would be ready at the drop of a hat, but I never could bring myself to actually do anything about it, because I still clung, and wanted to cling, to the hope of staying stateside.

It's not that I dislike Mexico, by any means; I just wanted to have a choice, a say in the matter,some semblance of control over my own future.  But maturity and experience have taught me that it was a choice I made when I said "I do," and I'm okay with that.  The thought of living in Mexico is a bit daunting, though, because I am not Mexican, I have never lived anywhere else than right here, in this same 25 mile radius, my whole 27 years of life.  There are so many variables and unknowns that I can't find the solution in my head (oh, that's my inner math geek showing, don't mind her...).

Unexpected

Blah...  That's how I feel today...  Just, blah...

I am such a mess.  I got some information over the weekend that Carlos may be making his way to Mexico sooner than I had anticipated.  Well, maybe not sooner, but definitely more suddenly than I expected.


More to come...

Confessions

It has been several months since my last post, but I have been thinking about jumping back on here and posting again.  I have had some time to acclimate myself to the situation I am in, and I have become numb to the pain I felt when I wrote my last post.

I went back and re-read it, and I had almost forgotten the sharpness of the pain I felt at that point, the way I sat in front of the computer in tears as I put my heart to paper.  But now...  It's different...  I'm okay...  I have peace...  It's not any easier, because Carlos still isn't here.  But he isn't gone either.  And I'm not alone, although some days I still feel that way.  Life keeps going and moving, and stops for no man.  I have learned that through experience, first when my father passed away in 2007, and now when my husband has been taken from me for a period of time.  It just takes awhile to remember that you do indeed know how to breathe, that you are capable of putting one foot in front of the other, and living life has become so second nature, that you will continue to move and grow, even if only reluctantly...

When I started this blog, or started writing semi-regularly anyway, I was so high on life, with a new baby, new mother of two, learning the joys of having a boy and a girl, a big kid and a baby, watching my husband ogle over our new daughter, busy making Christmas presents for the WHOLE family...  and my posts reflected that.  I won't say that I wasn't real, but I will admit I was shallow in my blogging.  I want to be more transparent, especially because that is something that is so hard for me to do, but something I crave with all my heart, something I long to feel: openness.

And that's what I'm going to try to do.  Be open and honest about me and my life, and maybe you can relate, maybe you care, maybe not.  But this is my blog and that's my prerogative, haha...  To my family and friends:  thanks for being there for me.  I love you all so much more than you know.


Holly

Up in Smoke...

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile...  My life started to derail, and I have been out of motivation for, well, anything, for several months.  I guess I could go back and catch you all up on what's been going on, but I don't have the patience or energy for that much thought at this point.  So... I can start from today.  And that will have to be enough until I can gather myself together enough to put words to paper.

Just when I thought our immigration journey (nightmare, really) was coming to a close, there it goes, up in smoke.  More dreams shattered.  Like broken glass, laying on the floor.  And all I can do is stand and stare at it, willing it to gather itself together and magically be whole again.  But the longer I stand and stare, the more frustrated and distraught I become.  I can't bring myself to sweep it up and throw it away because I wanted it so badly, and even though it's broken and useless, I just leave it there on the floor and try to step around it because I know stepping on it will cause me pain and bleeding.  Even cleaning it up poses some threat of getting those horrible, invisible shards stuck in an inconvenient place, which could cause reddening and infection...  So I do nothing.  I'm incapable of making a decision regarding the brokenness of my heart; I just sit and cry.

Circumstances would seem to point to Mexico.  The situation seems impossible.  It's too big for me.  There is nothing anyone can do at this point; the damage is irreversible.  Carlos is currently in custody, with an immigration hold.  They don't want to let him out.  We already did this once, but they were kind and merciful and released him to his family.  Not this time.  This is very bad for his appeal, which is 6 months max from being decided upon.  Our wonderful immigration attorney, Maria McIntyre, said they will probably hold him until that final decision is made, whether he will be deported or granted his US Residency.  But it doesn't look good.  It could be over as early as November, but that just means Carlos will be in Mexico a few months earlier.

All I want is to be with my husband again.  I want my family to be whole.  My heart is lost because it's only half here.  The other half is with him.  My son is 4 now, and he misses his Papa so much.  He will randomly cry for Papa after a fit of defiance, and then ask impossible questions like, "Mommy, why are some kids Papas in jail?  Mommy, why do some post (police) officers take some kids Papas to jail?  Mommy, why some kids don't have their Papas at home?"  And my heart breaks for him; I have no answers for his innocent pleas.  He doesn't understand, he just knows things are not as they have been or should be.

Finally, yesterday, I decided I will accept the seemingly inevitable, and prepare myself to move permanently to Mexico, try to get excited about it even, and I found, it makes things a lot easier on my heart.  Because I love my family, and I want us to be wherever God is leading us to go, and if that place happens to be Mexico, then that's where I want to be. This won't be an easy transition for us by any means, and I know I will have my fits over it, because it isn't the future I saw myself living, or the one I imagined for my children, but then, when does life ever turn out the way anyone expected?

For now, I am here, with my two littles.  And I have enough grace for today.  Only today.  I can't worry about tomorrow because I don't know what it will bring yet.  Worrying about yesterday doesn't change anything.  But today, right now, I am cradled in God's arms and He knows exactly where I am, where I came from, and where I am going, and He is around every corner, at the bottom of every ditch, knowing what is coming and what I need for today.  And He gives me enough.  Today I am blessed and loved and being prepared for the fullness of my life, the purpose for which God has created and called me, and that is not limited by country borders, it is only limited in Him.  And that's where I want to be anyway.

World's Okayest Mom

So, I saw a picture of this mug shared on Facebook, and I thought, "Wow, that is a really awesome mug..."

Be Mine, Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day!

Haha... This reminded me of me...

Honestly, this is one of the corniest holidays of the year, in my opinion, but, hey!  It's a great reason to give (and get) chocolate!  And any day that celebrates chocolate is a-okay in my book.

Jubee, my sweet little valentine...

The hubby had to work today, so I got to spend it with my little ones, who are now peacefully snoozing.  That is my Valentine's Day present to myself: some Mommy Time!  We usually stay up until Papa gets home from work before settling down for the night, but not tonight!

Half a Decade...

Sunday was mine and Papa's fifth wedding anniversary.  We joke about not being able to believe that it's been 5 years...  Because it feels like 20!  ;)

Five years ago I was so nervous...  Getting dressed...  Doing my makeup and hair just so... Spending hours preparing for the ultimate moment when we would say our wedding vows...

Happy New Year!

2013!  I can't believe it!  Doesn't it seem like every year passes faster than the year before?  I'm not big into making New Years' Resolutions, but I think this year I would really like to focus on cherishing and treasuring the ordinary moments and hum-drum days instead of just the "special" and "extraordinary."  There are so many missed special moments when we rush through life, and those are the ones I want to slow down and seek out.

Those blessed hands I love...